Monthly Archives: August 2013

Unnecessary Dickery

I’m behind the bar, cleanin up. Show’s over, fluorescents are up, guy and girl sittin at the end of the bar. A band member approaches the couple. Hey, guys. How you doin? Great. Hey, did you enjoy the show? Yeah, it was ok. Good harmonies. Hey, thanks for sayin that. Listen…would love it if you could sign our email list. The guy says, no, I don’t think so. I really don’t wanna be gettin emails from your band. Oh…ok, the band member says. Well, hope to see you around! He walks away, the guy says to his date, under his breath, hope not.

I approach the guy after I hear the conversation. I know the guy, he’s a friend of mine, so I feel like I can be candid with him. Did I hear you correctly? Did he ask you to sign his email list, and you turned him down? You’re a DICK, dude. What…I don’t like lyin to people. I didn’t really like his band, so why would I give him my email address? Dude, I say. That was unnecessary dickery. Just give him a fake email address. Problem solved. Dickboy@gmail. There you go. Perfect one for ya. Yeah, he says, maybe I’ll try that next time. Yeah, dude. Why you gotta intentionally hurt his feelings? How many people were here…like six people? I’m sure he wasn’t too pleased with that. Then you gotta go kick him when he’s down. Yeah, you’re probably right, Clint. You bet your ass I’m right. Fake email address next time. Get it.

Here’s a rule I abide by: good show, really appreciate you playin. That’s what I always say. Do I love all the bands that play the bar? What do you think? But I’m very appreciative that they play, cause they get people in the door, those people drink, and the bar makes money. Without bands, there’d be no club. So good show, appreciate you playin.

I think one band has come up to me after their show, in 10 years of me bartending, and said, hey, what did you think of my band? I want an honest answer. I really appreciated that. I said some things that I liked about their band, and some things I thought they could work on.

Then I gave em a fake email address.

From my heart to yours,

Clint Curtis. Bartender.


The Kid Who Needed It The Most

The sound guy comes up to me, I’m behind the bar, he says, ya remember that kid I was tellin you about, the musician, I kicked him out last weekend, for sneakin in beer, in his backpack? Yeah, I remember that guy. Well, he came back again, Monday and Tuesday, passin out beers to his underage friends, right in front of me. I kicked him out TWICE. And he keeps comin back! I can’t stand the guy. I don’t want us to book his band anymore. Uh-huh. I feel ya, bro.

Couple days later, it’s a Sunday, I’m tendin bar, sure enough, I see backpack strollin through the bar. And I know the guy didn’t pay cover. Well, I think, time for a little confrontation. He walks out of the bar, I follow after I finish with a customer.

I go outside. I see him. I say, yeah. I wanna discuss somethin with you. He comes over, yeah. What’s up? I say, what’s goin on, man? You been kicked outta the bar twice this week, why do you keep comin back? He says, I don’t know what you’re talkin about. I say, sure you do. The sound guy kicked you out, for bringin in beer, and passin em around to all your friends. Ok, he says. I didn’t know I couldn’t do that. What? I say. Do you not have any common sense? How could you possibly think that would be ok? Do you see the sign right there? Next to the front door that says, NO OUTSIDE DRINKS. How much clearer do we need to be? And another thing, you’re actin real sketchy when you’re in here. You look like you’re casing the joint. Sketchy? He says in dismay. I’m not bein sketchy. Actually, you are, dude. That’s my perspective, and the sound guy’s.

You need to make amends with the sound guy. Cause he don’t like you. You need a fresh start. You need to clean up your act. I know you’re a musician, and I’ve watched you on stage, and actually, I think you got some talent. So I think it would be wise of you to take care of this, if you ever wanna play this music venue again. Then he says, what’s your name? And I say, Clint. What’s yours? And then he tells me. Well, bud, I gotta get back to work, but you think about the things I’ve told you.

I walk back into the bar, and end it at that.

You know, sometimes, we need somebody to come up to us, and give us a swift kick in the ass.

And I know this, cause I was once that kid, who needed it the most.

From my heart to yours,

Clint Curtis. Bartender.

Smile More

My fellow bartender is talkin with a couple ladies in the corner. I overhear one of em say, ohhh, that bartender. He was really grumpy last time we were in here…he needs to learn to smile more.

Ahhh, the phrase. The bane of my existence.

I’ve heard it many times. So many times. You need to smile more. What’s wrong?  Why aren’t you smiling?  Well…I’m at work, I enjoy my job, but it doesn’t necessarily make me want to smile. I laugh, yes, but smile?  You’re gonna have to pay extra for that.

Where do you work?  I ask. She says, Wells Fargo. I say, fair enough. Great place to work. I’m gonna come to your work tomorrow, watch you in your cubicle, make sure you’re smilin enough.  Sound good?

From my heart to yours,

Clint Curtis. Bartender.

Complimenting A Woman’s Hair

I’m at the Lift, an old friend of mind comes in, she sits at the bar, I say, right off the bat, Oh…I love the hair. Looks good on you.

I’ve learned, from past experience, that if you don’t comment on any kind of change to a woman’s hair, you’re gonna be in trouble. Jesus…you didn’t say anything about my hair. Oh, sorry. Yeah, that blond streak really helps frame your face well.

Another girl I’ve known for awhile comes to the bar, 6 months ago, head COMPLETELY shaved. I say, oh…love what you did with your hair!!!

See how you do it?

From my heart to yours,

Clint Curtis. Bartender.

Grey Beard, Bald, Malkovich

I’m at the Mews, behind the bar, guy orders a Strongbow, starts a tab, I write down his name, with a line under it, the price of the Strongbow, and at the bottom, I write “jean jacket.”

I make little notes about people when they start a tab, so I don’t have to keep on askin for their name. Cool glasses, plaid shirt, stripes, that sorta thing. But sometimes, I don’t know what to put. Let’s see…short brown hair, polo shirt, medium height, shaved. See what I mean?  There’s just NOTHING UNIQUELY DESCRIPTIVE ABOUT THEM.  Is this a problem?  I don’t know…is it?  I mean, I’m a pretty plain dresser, white t-shirt, jeans, but I would hope a bartender would be able to come up with a quick few words to describe me, that would help them remember who I am.

Grey beard, bald, Malkovich.

From my heart to yours,

Clint Curtis. Bartender.


This guy comes up to the bar, as they do, says, hey, boss, how much for a PBR? That’s three bucks. All-right, boss. I’ll take one of those. I get him the PBR, he gives me three bucks. Thanks, boss. Yeah, yeah, I say.

You know, call me sir, or man, or dude, or asshole, or bartender, or bro, or even, dude, but DON’T CALL ME BOSS. I hate that word. It’s so demeaning. I’m not your boss, I’m not A boss, and hopefully, I’ll never BE a boss.

He comes up again. Hey, boss. Gimme a vodka, pineapple juice, with a splash of cranberry. I make it, give it to him. He says, this’ll probably be my last drink, so…have a good night, boss!!!

You too, I say to myself. Boss.

From my heart to yours,

Clint Curtis. Bartender.

The King Of Crosswords

I am horrible at crosswords. Just terrible. What’s a three letter word for the Creator of the Universe? Uh…Bob?  Blank Cruise. Three letters.  Was in all the Mission Impossible movies. Um…Toby?  That’s four letters, dumbass. Yeah. Sorry.

Seven minutes into my shift, these two guys are at the bar, doin the crossword. The one with the pen says, hey Clint. You know what the millionaire’s name was in Gilligan’s Island? Wait a second. Wait a second. I know this!  THURSTON HOWELL THE THIRD!!!

Thurston, he says, oh my God, yeah, that fits. You completed the crossword for us.

Goin be a good night, kids.

From my heart to yours,

Clint Curtis. Bartender.