Monthly Archives: March 2014

New Coke

I’m at the bar, customer comes up, says to me, can I get a Tequila Sunrise with Jose, and a Coca-Cola Classic?

I say, I’m sorry. We only serve New Coke.

From my heart to yours,

Clint Curtis. Bartender.

Who You Look Like

I’m helping a customer, this guy, he looks late forties, he’s with a chick, half his age. I say to him, you know who you look like?  He says, I dunno. Who? You look like Nick Nolte. You know that guy? He says, that’s horrible. Hey, I say. He’s a cool guy. He says, no thanks. I say, you also look a little like Johnny Carson. He says,

I’m not tipping you anymore.

From my heart to yours,

Clint Curtis. Bartender.

The Cords

We’re getting a new walk-in cooler downstairs. My manager is doing a lot of the work, with a fellow bartender, working 80 hour weeks just to get it done.

He’s downstairs in the basement, lugging this big, tall ladder around. He keeps on hitting this rat’s nest of cords on the ceiling. He gets frustrated after awhile, and decides to take action.

He follows all of the cords, they don’t seem to be connected to anything. The building is a century old, could be cords from the 80’s. After awhile, after assessing the situation, he takes out his pocket knife, rips down the cords, and cuts them off. After he’s done, he surveys his work. Yeah. Looks good. Looks really good. He feels a sense of pride and accomplishment. He knows he’s doing a good job.

Later on that day, he’s at band practice. He plays his music, he says, let’s work on this part, let’s work on that, afterwards, as he’s leaving practice, he checks his phone, and sees he got a text message from a bartender, and a call from his boss. He reads the text, and it says,

Something’s wrong with the Internet. It’s not working. What should I do?

He reflects on his day, and sadly, recalls the cords he cut from the basement ceiling.

From my heart to yours,

Clint Curtis. Bartender.

Choose To Ignore It

I’m talking with this guy at the bar, good guy, I’ve known him for a number of years, we’ve “had our moments”, but we’re all good now. The thing about this guy is, HE’S ALWAYS HAPPY. I’m serious. Always a smile on his face, and laughter around him.

I ask him, to get to the root of the thing, because, how could someone be so happy?  Would you say you’re a happy person? He says, absolutely 100%. I’ve got a great life. I love my job, have a great girlfriend…I’m blessed. I ask, you ever get depressed? Sure, he says. I’ve had a lot of tragedies in my life. A LOT. But, you know what?

I choose to ignore it.

From my heart to yours,

Clint Curtis. Bartender.

Sherlock Shit

I’m behind the bar, couple comes up, orders drinks, and as I’m pouring the guy’s beer, I say to them, you’re Newlyweds, right? The girl says, yeah. Were you at our wedding?  You were one of the caterers, weren’t you? I say, no, I wasn’t. Oh, she says. How did you know we just got married?  I say, well, I noticed his ring. It looks really new. Your ring also looks really new, very shiny. And you guys have that Newlywed glow. Wow, she says. Impressive.

They pay for their drinks, take off towards the stage, I turn to my friend at the bar, say, did you hear that?  He says, yeah I did. I say,

That was some Sherlock shit right there, bro.

From my heart to yours,

Clint Curtis. Bartender.

The What Ifs

There are a lot of what ifs in life. We reflect, and say, what if?  What if I had not taken a right instead of a left. Maybe my car wouldn’t be totaled. Maybe I wouldn’t have a DUI.

Guy comes up to the bar, says, can you run my tab?  Sure, I say. What’s the name on the card?  He says, Matt. I go get his tab, run it, give it to him.

Ten minutes later, two guys at the end of the bar wave me over. Can I get a French Caribbean and a Watermelon martini? Absolutely, I say. I make them, pour them, then say, do you have a tab?  He says, yeah. Matt. I go over to the tabs.

Oh shit.

I gave the first Matt the other Matt’s card. I quietly go over to my fellow bartender and tell him the situation. He says, do you know what the guy looked like?  I say, I do not. Then I get an idea. Look him up on Facebook. He does, and says, oh yeah. I know that guy. I overheard him say he was going to the show down the street.

He goes, comes back five minutes later with the card in question.

Ten minutes after that, Matt #2 says, I’ll take my tab.

What if I hadn’t noticed I gave the wrong card to the wrong Matt?

What if we didn’t have Facebook?

What if my fellow bartender wouldn’t have overheard the guy say he was going to the show next door?

In life, there are many what ifs. And tonight, I had a few.

From my heart to yours,

Clint Curtis. Bartender.

Really Bored

I’m chatting with this guy at the bar, buddy of mine, hilarious guy, he says, Couple days ago, I was really bored. Caught up on your blog. Ohhhh, I say. I love when people say that. I was really fucking bored the other day. We’re talking, brain dead. I have done everything. TV, video games, porn, I mean, I have nothing else to do. I have exhausted all possibilities. I am staring at my wall.

So I checked out your blog.

From my heart to yours,

Clint Curtis. Bartender.

Business Casual

The lead singer on stage right now, is wearing a long sleeve, white dress shirt, tucked into pleated, khaki pants.

Let me tell you something, fine musicians of the great hemisphere. Never, and I mean never, under any circumstances, should you wear khaki pants on stage.

Save it for your day job.

From my heart to yours,

Clint Curtis. Bartender.

Random Act Of Kindness

Guy approaches the bar around 1am, says to me, I’d like you to run my card for $100. Anybody comes up, wants a drink, use it towards that. But make sure you don’t tell anybody who it’s from.

I run his tab, hand it back to him. I almost ask him why he’s doing it, but I decide not to. Maybe just a random act of kindness.

So people come up, ask for a drink, I make it for them, set it down, and say, on the house. They look at me, surprised, then say,

Thank you.

From my heart to yours,

Clint Curtis. Bartender.

The Racist Cab Driver

I’m behind the bar, guy comes up, he seems flustered. What’s up, my man? He says, have you ever known someone who’s racist that has to make it known constantly that they’re racist?  I guess, I say. Are you talking about someone in particular?  He says, yeah. This cab driver I just had. Oh my God, I say. Blank Cab, right? He says, actually, yeah. Yeah, I’ve totally heard about this guy. He’s infamous. Two customers have told me about him. The racist cab driver. What did he say?  Well, he’s like, N this, and N that. I’m just sitting there, uncomfortable, and he keeps on going. An Asian guy walked across the street, and he says, oh. Gotta get me some Chinese food!!  So he’s not just racist towards African-Americans.

He’s across the board racist.

From my heart to yours,

Clint Curtis. Bartender.