Monthly Archives: November 2014

That Came Out Slow

I’m behind the bar, making martinis. Guy asks for a Mint Cookie martini, and a Bloody Martini. I make them, shake them up, poor.

The Bloody Martini can be kind of annoying. It takes twice as long to pour, as a normal one. It’s so thick. The guy says, when I’m pouring the Bloody,

Wow, that comes out slow.

I return the volley with a, that’s what she said. He laughs, I say, I’m not sure if that totally worked, but I like to just throw that out there, then figure out later if it worked. He says, oh yeah. I do that, too. Then I say, ok. Let’s figure it out. What comes out slow? The dick? Why would it come out slow? Maybe it’s just really big. Too big. So you have to go slow, so you don’t hurt her.

He says, that works.

-Clint Curtis

PerfectBloodyMaryMartini

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Thanks For The Poster

Guy’s at the bar…drunk. I’ve served him a couple drinks, must’ve pre-gamed, or hit up other bars.

It’s tap take-over. We get a brewery to come in, we put all their beers on tap, usually 6-7. It’s a lot of fun, people seem to enjoy it, the bar makes good money.

I do alright, too.

There’s a big poster on the wall, advertising the event. Drunk guy waves me over, says, I want that poster. I look at it, say, you know, that’s not really me to decide what happens to that poster. See the guy over there. He’s the guy promoting the event. You should talk to him.

I go help other customers, do my thing.

Later on, I’m wiping off the tables, there’s a poster on one of the tables, advertising the event. It’s actually a pretty cool poster. I get an idea, I’ll give it to drunk guy.

He’s at the bar, I go up to him, say, here you go. You can have this one. He perks up. Oh, thank you, man, he says. That’s so nice of you! Sure, bud, I say. No worries, I just found it on the table.

After that, every time I walk by him, he says, hey, I just want to say thanks again. No problem, I say. Two minutes later, thanks for the poster. I really appreciate it. Sure, I say. After the 6th thank you, I’ve had enough. OK, DUDE. NO PROBLEM, YOU DON’T HAVE TO THANK ME AGAIN.

End of night, everybody’s gone.

The poster sits sadly on the bar.

-Clint Curtis

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Playing Your Music For Other People

I’m setting up the bar, bar manager comes in, he’s going to be my second on for the night. We’re talking, he’s telling me his band, he’s a musician, is releasing a new record soon. I say, great. Love to hear it. You have it on your phone? He says, hesitantly, yeah. Well, I say, put it on! He says, ok.

He hooks up his phone to the stereo, hits play.

Sounds good. I’m enjoying it, while setting up. We’re talking in the midst of it, then I realize something. He seems a bit, uncomfortable. Ah…he’s playing his music, and I’m not giving it my full attention.

You know what? I understand this feeling 100%, when playing your music for other people. It can be a NERVE-RACKING EXPERIENCE. You’ve poured everything you got into the music, when they’re listening to it, you want them to freak out, say, oh my God, it’s so great! You’re going to be a huge rock star.

You know I’m right.

But no, they’re talking WHEN THE BEST PART OF THE SONG IS PLAYING. The song ends, they don’t say a thing. Then, they LEAVE THE ROOM while the next song is playing. How DARE THEY??? Then, if it couldn’t get any worse, they say, oh, I gotta go, without any acknowledgement that the record IS STILL GOING, AND IT’S NOT DONE YET.

I just want to say, you know, shut the fuck up you’re not going anywhere sit down listen to my music don’t say anything and tell me how much you love it.

Thanks.

-Clint Curtis

Starting Up A Blog

I’m really excited about this. I was chilling with my Dad the other day, he says, you know what? I think you’ve inspired me with your blog. I think I’d like to start one. Oh, that’s amazing Dad! That’ll be awesome!!! Let me help you get one set up.

Oh this is going to be great. And I have to admit, after working the last 1 1/2 years on a blog, I’ve learned all the bells and whistles. I’m, I’d say, about 80% proficient. I can surely get my pops started on a blog.

We both sit down. I’m excited to impart this knowledge onto him. We start setting it up. Email address. Password. Name of blog. We brainstorm. He says, Day By Day. I say, no Dad. That’s way too cliche, and I’m sure it’s been taken. After a number of ideas, he settles on Leftend57. I guess it was his football position and number in high school, and it has a nice ring to it.

I’m going through the steps. I’m feeling pretty good about it. See here, Dad. Click on this button, you get to the dashboard, scroll down, click on posts, you can look at all your posts. In the next couple of days, I want you to look at the 2 minute tutorial, and…

I look over at him. Guy’s just straight up passed out in his chair.

-Clint Curtis

http://leftend57.wordpress.com/

“What Any Hot Blooded American Would Do”

Every so often, I go on a website that has local mugshots. I don’t know, after bartending in this town for 10 years, I know a lot of people, so I’ll often see people I know on there. Always hilarious.

Oh c’mon. You love it, too.

About a month ago, I see someone I know. Apparently, he had road rage, and went after some guy. That’s how the newspaper story went. I’m not the first person to talk about it. It was all over my newsfeed on Facebook.

Last week, he comes into the bar. I actually have no problem with the guy, always been nice and respectful. I say to him, heard you had a brush with the law.

I love to just put it out there. It’s fun.

He says, yeah… Don’t believe everything you read. I tell him, I don’t.

As Lou Reed once said, believe half of what you read, none of what you hear. Wise words.

Later on, end of the show, he’s at the bar drinking, chatting with a couple of his buddies. I overhear him say, yeah, I gotta get home after this. I gotta drive home, AND I DON’T HAVE A LICENSE.

I’m just going to assume he was joking, and not believe what I just heard.

-Clint Curtis

RoadRage

About-Face

It was a rowdy night at the bar. Sweaty. Packed. A night when anything could happen. And it did.  

It’s about 1am. Things are dying down a bit. I gotta take a leak, I head for the bathroom.

I open the door, and there’s got to be 15 people in there. Seven on one side, eight on the other. Everybody’s screaming at each other. I can’t understand what is going on.

I see one of the owners of the bar in there, trying to dissipate the situation. I think, well, he’s got things under control. So I turn around, and walk out the door.

Later, my boss says, Clint, thanks for the help in there. Really appreciate it. I say, hey man, I don’t get paid enough for that shit. You know what you did in there? He asks. I don’t know, Brian, what did I do?

You did an about-face.

From that point onward, I was known, I was called, deservedly, About-Face.

I’ll admit it, I’m one of the biggest pussies you’ll ever meet. I’ve mastered the art of talking my way out of a fight. So if you get in a fight at the bar, and you see me out of the corner of your eye, you’ll notice me walking,

In the other direction.

-Clint Curtis

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I Hear You’re In Blade

Three customers at the bar, I approach, I know one of them. They order drinks, I get them for them, set them down. They give me money, I ring it into the register, go to give them change, and then one of them says, I hear you’re in Blade.

I have heard that phrase 4,147 times in the last ten years. That’s a good estimate. I bet I hear it at least one time a shift. I’m not complaining, mind you. Just telling you how it is.

I’m proud of my accomplishment of getting in a big Hollywood movie. Who wouldn’t be? How I got the part is a somewhat interesting story.

My agent calls, says I have an audition for a movie called Boogie Nights. I pick up the script, take it home, read it, and am amazed. Wow, what an incredible script! And I’m reading for the lead!!! I’ve got four days before my audition, I’m going to work on this.

I reread the script probably four times. I memorize my lines for the three scenes I’m doing. I think about the part, how I’m going to do it. I really throw myself into it, like I’ve never prepared for an audition before. I mean, it was such a phenomenal script, and I’m telling you, the actor that gets the part, if he does it right, has a chance for an Academy Award nomination. That’s how good the part was written. I’m ready for that to happen.

The day comes for the audition, I go in, meet the casting director. She’s definitely big time, been in the business for years. Unfortunately, there’s no camera for some reason, but I don’t think about it. We do the scenes, I kill it.

After we’re done, the casting director says a lot of kind words. I know I did a good job. Unfortunately, she tells me, THE PART HAS ALREADY BEEN CAST with Mark Wahlberg. Bummer! Why the hell am I here, then? I thank her for the audition, leave, and think about what could’ve been, while walking to my Toyota Corolla.

About a week later, I get a call from my agent. She says, the casting director for Boogie Nights really liked you in the audition, and she’s recommended you for a part in a movie that’s being cast called Blade. I thought, great! A chance at a part. I pick up the sides (the scene I’m doing), take it home, read through it. It’s a nothing part, one scene. Oh wow. From lead in a killer movie, to day player. That’s how it goes.

I go in for the part, do a fine job, big deal, it’s something like five lines. Gotta charred cadaver for ya. Oh yeah. Academy Award winning material.

On set, I remember doing the part. Of course, I put my heart and soul in it. No small parts, just small actors. I made sure my hair was extra greasy. Imagined this guy works the late shift, 12 hours a night. He’s been doing it for years, nothing fazes him. A charred cadaver? Big deal. Seen it all before. That’s why I played the part nonchalant. Not I GOTTA CHARRED CADAVER FOR YA! Like it’s the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen. Just relaxed, another day at the morgue. I also envisioned him drinking mounds of coffee, in a cheap, styrofoam cup. Not the healthiest guy in the world. A perfect guy to work the late shift at a morgue.

I remember getting done with the part, I was on set for 45 minutes max. I was outside, and was talking to the director, Steve Norrington. Way cool guy. I said to him, how ‘bout you bring me back at the end of the movie, as a vampire? Funny enough, I never even read the whole script. Ok I guess I heard it at the table reading, but I didn’t remember if it was possible. I was just throwing it out there, see if I could get another couple days on set. It was funny, I could tell he was humoring me, saying that he’d think about it. Really cool guy.

Another thing I was proud of was my name in the movie. In the script, it was “Morgue Attendant #2.” Generic, nothing part, just something the bigger actor will play off of. But I guess, something happened, I don’t know what, but they changed my name, to Creepy Morgue Guy. How cool is that!!! I thought that was funny.

Getting back to the beginning of the story, imagine if you will, really put yourself in my shoes. Let’s say 20 years ago, you do something for one day, it’s seemingly insignificant, but in the end, it DEFINES YOUR LIFE. Every day, 20 years later, someone mentions that 45 minute span of time in your life.

I’m not complaining. Just making an observation.

One time at the bar, I’m doing my thing, all of a sudden, I hear this guy blurt out, YOU’RE IN BLADE!!!! I turn to him, give him my rote answer of, yep. He says, oh my God, that’s my FAVORITE MOVIE, I’ve seen it like 40 times!!! I perk up, say, wait a minute. Someone told you I was in Blade. NO, he says. Actually, we have a TV, DVD player in our van, I was just watching Blade on our way here. You’ve got to be kidding, I say. There is NO WAY you recognize me in Blade. It’s a bit part. Dude, he says, I heard your voice. I remember your voice in the movie. He says,

Gotta charred cadaver for ya.

And you know what, that experience made me feel great. Someone RECOGNIZED ME from Blade. Not, oh, I heard you were in Blade. But, you know,

I’m not complaining. Just making an observation.

-Clint Curtis

Creepy-Morgue-Guy