I’m in LA with my friend Rhona. What should we do today? I ask. She says, you wanna go get a foot massage in Chinatown? I say, sounds great. Let’s do it.
We get there, walk in, two Asian women there. I think they’re Chinese, but I’m not sure. One of them says, you want a foot massage today? Rhona says, yeah.
We sit down, first thing I say is, would it be possible to turn that TV down? They have a large TV on the back wall, just BLARING some Japanese game show. She doesn’t understand at first. I repeat, COULD YOU…TURN DOWN…THE TV. I overemphasize my words, as if that’s gonna help her understand. I point to the TV. She says, ohhh. The TV. Too loud? Yes, I say. Too loud. She looks around, finds the remote, turns it down. I was hoping she’d just turn the damn thing off. But no. It’s still going. Can’t a guy get a massage in a peaceful environment? Nope. Well…what do you expect for thirty bucks?
She gets going on my shoulders at first. She twists my arms all over the place. Huh. Haven’t seen this repertoire before. All of a sudden, this Asian guy sits down in front of me, and is yelling into his phone, for like twenty minutes straight! He finally gets off the phone, then makes another phone call. I am not enjoying my massage. And this chick that’s massaging me doesn’t know what the hell she’s doing. And throughout the whole massage, she’s coughing and sneezing, and I swear to Christ, she like coughed on my knees SEVERAL TIMES.
After half hour of the weirdest massage I’ve ever had, she starts on my feet. But wait…here’s the best part.
SHE PUTS ON RUBBER GLOVES.
Have you ever gotten a foot massage from someone who was wearing rubber gloves? No? Yeah, neither have I. And guess how it felt?
Like shit, that’s how it felt!
I mean, IT ACTUALLY HURT. When have you ever gotten a foot massage and it hurt? I didn’t think that’s possible. But no, put on those blue rubber gloves you clean dishes with, and squeak, squeak, your feet are rubbed RAW.
I swear to God, I was this close on telling her I’ve had enough. And when have you ever done that? A decent massage? Yeah, keep on going! But no, halfway through the massage, I wanted to call it a day.
Almost simultaneously when my massage was complete, the guy on the phone ends his call. Rhona finishes, we go up to the counter to pay, I turn to Rhona and say, did you enjoy your massage? She says, yeah. It was great.
Yeah, I say. I noticed she wasn’t wearing RUBBER GLOVES like mine was!!! You got the good one, I GOT SCREWED.