The Overweight Dietician

My wife texts me in the afternoon, can you pick up some grocery items at the store? She gives me the list. A lot of it is canned food, for a food drive at my son Liam’s school. I text back, sure. No problem.

I get to the grocery store, it’s a Hy-Vee. I look at my phone, refer to the list, find the canned food. The last thing on the list is to get a bag of Iams Mature dog food. I find the aisle, unfortunately, they don’t have the Iams Mature, so I just buy a bag that says ages 1 plus.

As I’m leaving the pet aisle, I pass by the pharmacy. Something catches my eye. It’s a large picture of a woman, and it says that she’s the dietician of Hy-Vee. It has some text to it, pick up a pamphlet, go online, yada, yada, yada. Here’s where I get to the un-P.C. part of my post. The woman in the picture, the dietician, is overweight. I’m not talking a little overweight, but a lot overweight. Really? That’s acceptable? She’s the DIETICIAN. She gives you advice on your diet, right? The kinds of healthy foods you should eat. And I’m supposed to listen to this woman, how to eat healthy? NO. She is not possibly qualified for this job. It’s an impossibility. I don’t think it’s asking a lot to have your dietician be in good shape. Right? It’s UNACCEPTABLE.

It’s like going to the gym, getting with the trainer, and the trainer is overweight. Same thing. You don’t want to work with some trainer with a paunch. You want to say, yeah, you’re getting me on the treadmill, maybe you should get on the one next to me.

It’s like if somebody wanted me to do a hair commercial, said, we need you to grow out your hair. No. That’s not possible. I’M BALDING. I’m unqualified to do a hair commercial. I am not the right person for the job.

I play tennis. I’m probably an intermediate. It would be like someone saying to me, we want you to play Wimbledon. Oh, not with the #1 seed, just like the 20th. NO HELL WAY. I would get slaughtered. I am not qualified to play with a tennis pro.

It would be as if someone came to me and said, we want you to teach a college course on physics. Oh that’s funny. I’VE NEVER EVEN TAKEN A PHYSICS CLASS. I am not the man for the job. It would be an embarrassment. I would be mortified if I had to go up in front of people and teach them physics. I’m not right for the job.

As I’m walking to my car, with my bags of canned groceries, I daydreamed about going back into the store, going to the pharmacy, and talking to one of the technicians. Here’s me: I’d like to discuss something with you. Yes, she says. What’s that? It’s about that poster over there, of the dietician. Yes, she says. What’s your question? Well…

Is that really the dietician, or just a plus-sized model, as a little inside joke?

Oh…I’m such an asshole.

-Clint Curtis


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