Who Took The Light Bulb?

The story today is going to be a mystery/thriller. Ok, maybe not a thriller, depending upon your definition. But definitely, a mystery.

It’s around 4pm, I get into the bar, start setting up. Ice in the bins, stock bathrooms, etcetera etcetera. Sound guy arrives 15 minutes later. He starts doing his thing. He goes into the green room, comes back out moments later, says, we need a new light bulb in the green room for one of the lamps. I say, I’ll look for one.

I get back to opening duties. Count the register, cut the fruit, etcetera etcetera. I make my way to the green room, after I’m done, check things out, make sure everything’s semi-tidy. I look around. At that moment, I remember about the light bulb. I see the lamp not lit due to the missing light bulb. What a minute…  Wait a gosh darn minute. I look again. No, there’s no burned out light bulb. There’s NO light bulb.

Did someone TAKE the light bulb???

I can’t possibly see one of the bartender’s going in, seeing that the light bulb is not working, taking the light bulb out, then NOT putting one back in.

Let’s think about this for a second. Imagine if you will the process you go through when changing a light bulb. You’re reading, the light bulb goes out. Then what do you do?  Well, ok, I know you. You ignore it for a couple days. But once you get around to dealing with it, you GO GET A NEW LIGHT BULB FIRST, THEN, twist out the old light bulb, screw the new one back in.

Ok wait a sec. On second thought, here’s another option. The light goes out. You twist off the light bulb a hair, right?  Maybe, just maybe, the light bulb loosens somehow. Then you tighten it. Ok, that’s not working. You twist it completely off, then you jiggle it, right?  Can you hear that little thing in there moving around?  It breaks off, right?  And then you can tell most of the time that it’s burned out. There’s a dark coloration in the middle of the bulb. NOW. Do you just throw the old light bulb away, then go do something else instead of putting a new one back in?  Depends on your mood. Maybe, you don’t have any back-up. Need to hit up Ace Hardware, get a light bulb.

You know, somewhat off topic, I feel strongly that you should buy light bulbs from Ace Hardware. It’s more of a mom-and-pop place, compared to a grocery store, or Walmart. Give them some business, you know?

I see my manager an hour later. I say, gotta couple questions for you. He says, shoot. I say, one. Do we have any back-up bulbs?  He says, yeah. In two places. He tells me where they are. Then I say, I’m trying to solve a mystery here. He says, yeah? I say, yeah. I tell him about the bulb missing in the green room. He says, you know, this has happened before. I know the sound guys go in there, when their light bulb burns out upstairs. Huh, I say. Maybe that’s it.

So there’s another option we can add to the possible answers.

One: Laziness. Two:  Didn’t know where the back-up bulbs are located. Three:  Person in green room takes light bulb. Four:  Sound guy takes light bulb.

Now, there’s two lamps in the green room. If someone stole the light bulb from one, why didn’t they steal two? But maybe they didn’t want to be completely malicious. You gotta be able to see in there.

Am I missing any options?

What I imagine is in fact someone that really needs a light bulb, stole it. Maybe they’re too broke to buy one. Maybe they’re too lazy to go to Ace Hardware and buy one.

It reminds me of a time I busted some girl for stealing a roll of toilet paper. That was a funny conversation.

I see a roll of toilet paper in your purse. Did you steal that from the bathroom?

No, no. I didn’t.

Huh. It’s funny, because that’s the EXACT same toilet paper that we buy, and you can only buy it in bulk.

No, no. It’s mine.

Maybe she was the one who stole the light bulb from the green room.

If she did, I hope she burned her fingers when she was screwing it off.

-Clint Curtis


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