I’m behind the bar, solo, busy busy, running one side of the bar, to the other.
Uh-oh. I feel it happening. This is not the time, nor the place for this. To be honest, I try to take care of it BEFORE I come to work. Preferably, before a shower. But today, I wasn’t feeling it. I wasn’t…ready. You can’t really force it, can you? You may hurt yourself. You just have to let the breeze flow the way it’s gonna flow. When it’s ready, it’s time to go.
But when I’m bartending right when it’s busy?!?! Damn you Mother Nature. And for those who have never been to our bathrooms before, there’s some planning that needs to happen. You can’t go in the men’s bathroom. THERE ARE NO STALL DOORS!!! So what are your options? Go next door at the coffee shop, but then, you know, I always feel like I NEED to buy a coffee from them, no matter how many years I’ve been going there. Another option is the bar next door, but that’s embarrassing, isn’t it? Oh hi I’m the bartender from next door, I can’t use our bathroom, so I’m gonna go use yours.
But tonight, those options are not viable.
Time to hit the ladies room.
But see there’s a major trick to it, going into the women’s bathroom. Of course, you can’t go in when there’s a girl in there. That’s not possible. So I first peek my head in, as if, oh I don’t know. I want to make sure the ladies have enough toilet paper.
So I peek in tonight, the bathroom is empty, THANK GOD. Let’s make this shit quick.
I rush into the middle stall (that’s my stall), drop jeans, get down to business. Ok. Going good so far. All of a sudden, door flings open. DAMN IT!! So what do I do? The first thing I think is, the girl’s gonna see my guy shoes, gonna get freaked out. So I pull my shoes as far into the stall as possible, right up against the toilet.
The door flies open again. I gotta get out of here, but how? I CAREFULLY look down, see shoes in both stalls. Mind you, I GOTTA GET BACK TO THE BAR IT’S JAMMIN’.
I flush, wipe as fast as I can, BUT THOROUGH. Of course, it’s not a clean one. No, Clint. Not that lucky. So…
Oh wait, oh wait, be careful, not too much, plug up the toilet. That would be DISASTROUS. I FLUSH, it goes down, luckily, wipe some more, flush a second time, stand up, pull my jeans up, button, take a deep breath, and open the door.
First thing I see, girl at the mirror, taking a toke off a one-hitter.
Hey, I say. You can’t do that in here! She says, oops, sorry, and bolts out the door.
What the hell just happened there?
I wash my hands, take off.
On my way back, I see the girl, she’s talking to someone at the merch counter, I tap her on the shoulder, give her a tsk, tsk. She looks at me, her face gets red, she smiles guiltily.
I get behind the bar, take a deep breath, start bartending.
You know, I wonder when the moment happened when she thought, jeez, I’m so embarrassed, the bartender caught me smoking weed in the bathroom,
What the hell was the bartender doing in the women’s bathroom?!?!