Monthly Archives: June 2015

How To Approach A Girl At The Bar With A Guy Next To Her

It’s Saturday night, guy comes up to the bar, it’s been a busy night, but there’s a lull for the moment.

We chat a bit. He says, you see the blond on the couch, with the guy?  I look over. Yeah, I say. He says, I want to go talk to her, but how do I do it, with the guy there?

I look over again, asses the situation, make a few observations. I watch their body language together. I’m going to say they’re just friends. He might be gay, of course, nothing wrong with that. HOW ABOUT SAME-SEX MARRIAGE?!?!  Finally, the rest of the country is catching up to the great state of Iowa.

There’s a chair by the couch to her right, a coffee table in front of her.

At this time, a friend of the guy I’m talking to comes up, she gets in on our conversation.

I say, ok, this is easy.

You go up, say politely, is anyone sitting here? She’ll say, no. You sit down, your friend here, if she’s feeling like being a wingman (woman) sits on the chair. You start talking to her, THEN, you casually bring the blond INTO your conversation. Something like, we’re talking about taking a class analyzing people’s handwriting. What do you think about that?  She gives her opinion, the conversation begins, you put on the charm, you get the number. Easy.

They go over, I start bartending again. I look over five minutes later, he’s talking to her.

Later on, end of night, guy comes back to the bar. I say, how’d it go?  Did ya get the digits?  He says, yeah. She wants to fuck me. I say, alright. There you go.

I start cleaning, escort the few remaining stragglers out the door. The guy that got the digits is the last to go, he says, we need to get together. We could learn SO MUCH from each other.

I say, sounds good, bud. He walks out, I close the door, lock it,

And get back to work cleaning up.

-Clint Curtis

Family Photos

Guy comes up to the bar, I know him, he’s a musician playing tonight. Looks like he’s shaved his beard, but kept the mustache. I say, hey man. Like the stache!!!

He says, yeah. I’m gonna hafta shave it tomorrow. My family’s all in town, we’re taking family photos. I say,

You goin’ to Olan Mills?

-Clint Curtis


The Ice Machine Coincidence

I get into the Lift last night, I find out, that our ice machine is broken. This, my friends, is a pain in the rear-end. You have to trudge down to our other bar, the Mews, grab ice from their cooler. And it takes about two, three trips. There’s 15 minutes tacked onto the opening.

Another problem is, the Mews has an outdoor bar on the weekends. We barely make it to Sunday with enough ice to adequately supply both bars. Our ice machine is from the 1940’s.

Before I begin my shift, I go down to the Mews, to get two buckets for back-up ice. I get to the back room with my two buckets, start scooping. Huh. Interesting.

The ice machine constantly makes ice unless it’s completely full. It knows when it gets to a certain place, to shut off. But when it’s running, you can tell by the sound of running water making the ice.

Here’s the interesting thing.

It’s not running.

Today I wake up to 10 texts from my boss and my managers for both bars.


Both ice machines are broken.

-Clint Curtis


How To Make A Perfect Martini

Girl comes up, cute, tattoos, died purple hair. I go up to her, say, what can I get you? She says, you have Hendricks? I say, yeah. She says, I want a perfect Hendricks martini, with a twist.

I say, sure. Coming right up.

I go up to the bottles, stare at them. What the HELL is a perfect martini? I should know this, after bartending for 12 years. In the back recesses of my mind, there sits how to make a perfect martini. But alas, it’s out of reach.

My fellow bartender comes up to me, perfect timing, I say, how do you make a perfect martini? He says,

I think it’s when you use both sweet and dry vermouth.

That’s it!!!

I get the Hendricks gin, pour it in a shaker, then two counts of sweet and dry vermouth. I peel the lemon slice, curl up the rind, put it in, then pour a perfect martini.

Ten minutes later, I go up to her, say, how’s the martini? She says,


Oh you know what she said.

-Clint Curtis


I Saw A Ghost

I’m laying in bed, it’s exactly 5am, I can’t sleep. That’s not unusual. It’s impossible for me sometimes to fall asleep. Once I fall asleep, I’m good. It’s just getting over the hump from sleep, to dreamland, that’s difficult.

I’m thinking about my day, it was pretty awesome. It was Father’s Day, woke up to presents, kisses and loves from my family. Spent all afternoon with the family, which was great. We went for ice cream, and played Connect Four. My 8 year-old son beat me. Good one.

Had work later, got in about 7:30pm, started setting up, and that’s when I saw a ghost.

I was going to the back room for something, I can’t remember. When I was done, I walked down the hallway, around the stage, and this is how it went, in slow-motion.

I just pass by the black curtain, something flashes in my peripheral vision. Oh I thought I was the only person in the bar. Must be a band member on stage. I turn my head to the right, and follow the movement. The “person” is walking from the middle of the stage, to the back stage. I finally get completely past the curtain, I look around the stage,

And no one is there.

At that point, I kept walking, and said to myself, welp. I just saw a ghost. I finished up opening duties, and didn’t think any more about it.

It’s not that I don’t believe in ghosts. I’ve never even thought about it. I’m mostly pragmatic. If I can’t see it, it doesn’t exist, as far as I know. But what I do have is instinct. And when I think back on the moment, I know what I saw.

I saw a ghost.

Why I saw it, I don’t know, and I don’t care. Did it have meaning?  I’m pretty sure it didn’t. Was I scared?  Not for a second. But I FELT a presence, I SAW SOMETHING.

Now…I’m going to close my eyes, and hope for sleep.

-Clint Curtis


Started A Band

Old friend comes into the bar, we’re chatting, he says, hey, guess what?  I just started a band. Oh yeah?  I say. He says, yeah. We’re called 128 Megabytes. But for the life of us, we can’t seem to get a gig.

I say, that’s not bad. You come up with that?  He says, mostly.

We start discussing how to make the joke better. I say,

How many megabytes are in a gig?  He says, I don’t know.

I look it up. 1,000 megabytes are in a gig.

I say, what if you’re closer to a gig. Like 999.

What about this?…

Later on I approach these three guys at the bar. We start talking, I say, hey guess what!!  I just started a band. We’re called 999 Megabytes.

They start smiling, as if they know where this is going.

I say, yeah. But we’ve had the worst luck. Our van broke down, there was a death in our drummer’s family. I mean,

We can’t seem to get to a gig.

-Clint Curtis

You Should Never Go Back

Couple comes into the bar. Cute girl, purple hair. Young kid, probably 22. I’ve had a number of conversations with both of them over the past year or so. Good people, I like them.

But here’s the deal. They were a couple, then they broke up. I see him after, he’s devastated. I talk to her, she’s a bit flippant. Ah…he’s too YOUNG, she says.

Couple months go by, I see them separately, he says, it’s cool. We’re talkin’. Oh really? Talking now, are we?

Then slowly, slowly, time happens, and WHAMO. They walk into the bar tonight hand in hand.

Now first off I’m gonna say I don’t really care. Let them eat forks, up to them. But IN MY EXPERIENCE.  

You never go back.

You’re in a relationship, it gets messed up, things happen, you break up. There’s usually A GOOD REASON you broke up with that person.

Like they wouldn’t put their dirty socks in the laundry basket.

But what happens?  There’s a month there post break up you go crazy. I’M FREE LET’S PARTY. Unless you’re too devastated. Then you just do a bunch of drugs and bury it.

After a couple months go by, the wounds are healing, oh I kind of miss that person. We had some good times, didn’t we?  So what they didn’t clean out the litter box AFTER TELLING THEM FIVE TIMES. What does it really matter?

Then the rose-colored glasses go on. Oh remember that time we had…  Then you text them, you happen to see them out, then WHAM. You’re walking in the bar hand and hand ready for another round.

Me?  I NEVER GO BACK. Ok. I went back ONCE and then I learned my lesson. NOTHING CHANGED, WHAT WAS I THINKING? I tell you what I was probably thinking. I’m lonely,

And I’m getting horny.

Again, again, listen to me. Come in the bar with your ex, have sex on the couch, I DON’T CARE. But in my opinion, when you break up, that’s it.

And you should never go back.

-Clint Curtis