The Pineapple Juice Story

End of an early show, guy comes up, says, pineapple juice.

I say, you want a pineapple juice? He says, yeah. I go get a pineapple juice can, set it down. One dollar, please. He pulls out what looks like $800 cash. He flips through it, says, I don’t have a dollar. I say, you don’t have a dollar? Ok. I can break any bill. He says, I don’t want to break any of my bills.

I say, ok. I grab the can, put it in ice. No big deal, I’ve been selling a lot of pineapple juice drinks. I’ll use it.

He says, I spent $350 in here, and you’re not going to give me a can of pineapple juice? That’s some bullshit. I say, when did you spend $350? He says, look at my tab over there. I look, it’s for seven dollars.

I say, it’s seven dollars. He says, yeah. But before I started the tab, how many drinks did I have? I say, I have no idea. He says, I spent $350 in here!

There is NO WAY that is true.

I say, if you did, that’s great, and I appreciate it. But this is a different transaction. He says, this is bullshit! I can’t believe you ain’t gonna give me the one dollar can of pineapple juice.

I say, you know what? Here you go.

I grab the pineapple juice, put it in front of him, walk away.

He says, HEY! HEY!

I take a deep breath, walk back to him.

Slowly.

He says, you know what? I don’t want your fucking pineapple juice. Take that can of pineapple juice, and shove it up your ass!!!

I say, will do.

He says, you know what? You’re an ASSHOLE, treating customers like this. I say, ok. He turns, starts walking out the door, says out loud,

FUCK YOU.

He exits, I turn to my fellow bartender, we smile, he grabs the pineapple juice,

And puts it in my ass.

-Clint Curtis

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