Collapse Of The Dead

It’s 3:15 in the afternoon, I pull in my drive. Just finished a real estate class, I have five minutes, then off to bartending for the night. 

I look in my mailbox, there’s some junk mail, a letter from the bank, and a random letter addressed to me. I look at it. Huh. Handwritten in a green magic marker. Looks like a guy’s handwriting. More youthful if I was to guess. 

Well. It was with a marker. Duh. 

I go in the house, hit the bathroom, do my thing. I come out, grab the card/letter, open it. 

First off, there’s six flash cards in there, with my name typed in the left hand corner of each, with what I’m going to guess, is Comic Sans font. Along with that, there’s another card that’s different. It’s more waxy, with a black border around it. 

I’m still in the dark as much as you are right now. 

There’s a letter, I open it, two pages, type-written, same Conic Sans font. 

I look at the front of the envelope again. From a guy named Cliff something. From Ontario Canada. I try not to get stressed that this person has my address. 

I read the letter. Oh. He wants my autograph. He tells me a story. He’s a writer, moved to Hollywood, started writing screenplays, but then his dad got sick, had to move back home to Ontario to take care of him. 

He says he thinks I’m a great actor, and that I’m in really cool movies. Oh that’s nice. 

He says he wants my autograph, and promises me that he won’t sell it on EBay. Yeah. Because if he did that, I’D BE FURIOUS. 

I read on, he says he likes my movies, especially Blade, Deep Rising, and Collapse Of the Dead. 

Wait a second. 

You need to know a little something about me. If I ever receive a compliment, especially about my acting, I have to DISECT the compliment, before I can ACCEPT the compliment. Sorry, this is just me. 

I usually feel like someone is just lying to me, for whatever reason, and I have to get to the bottom of it. WHY is this person giving me a compliment?  What’s the catch?  Is it at all sincere?  Usually, with a compliment, I DISECT it so much that it turns to ash because I’ve poked so many holes in it. 

I’ll give you a quick example. I was nominated (and ended up winning) a best supporting actor trophy for a movie I did four years ago. Great, right?  Nope. Couldn’t appreciate it. You know why?  Well, at the awards ceremony, YOU HAD TO PAY TO GET IN. 

Yeah…no. 

Now back to the letter. 

He says, I really like your movies, especially Blade, Deep Rising, and COLLAPSE OF THE DEAD. 

That’s funny, see, because I’m not in a movie called Collapse Of The Dead. I’m in a movie called Collapse. 

I re-read the letter. It has Dear Mr Curtis at the top, but then it never goes into specifics. Oh I love that scene you were in where…  No, it’s just, I think your movies are cool. I go back again, notice that the movies he said he likes of mine are in italics. That’s where the space is in the form letter where you get more specific so they think oh yeah he’s talking to me whereas thery’re just filling in a blank. And again, that ONE PART he screws up. Yeah Cliff the movie you so much love me in is called Collapse, NOT Collapse Of The Dead. 

Asshole. 

-Clint Curtis
  

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