I Won The Lottery

I haven’t had an audition in I would say a year and a half.  I haven’t been necessarily pressuring my agent to get me some.  I may have emailed him couple months back.  What’s going on?  Anything happening out there?  But I usually just chill, wait for them to come to me.  I’m pretty realistic.  There’s really not much out there right now in the Iowa market for a 43 year-old bald guy.

I get back from Galena, Illinois couple days ago.  Went for a little family vacation.  My Uncle George has a time-share there, so we get to stay for free.  Galena is a moderately fun town.  Ok not really “fun” per se.  There’s a main street which is cool.  Shops.  Mainly touristy stuff.  There is a to die for candy shop that I always like to go to.  I have a huge sweet tooth.

When I get back home, I get an email from my agent.  Audition!  What do you know?  I read it over.  It’s for a Dental commercial.  Doesn’t really go into specifics.  I’m playing a “Youtuber” that’s doing a video on how to pick up girls at a bar.  But the catch is that my tutorial gives bad advice.  I do a 15 second improv, then the announcer comes into frame, says, no.  This is not what you do.

It relates somehow to dentistry.

My agent asks me to film it on my own if possible.  I actually LOVE to do it this way.  Who has all the control?  That’s right.  Me.  Do another take?  Sure, why not.  Let’s do 50.

Actually, I always try to get it done in one take.  The first take is always the most real take because you’re not totally sure what you’re doing.  And that’s like life.  No matter how confident you are, there’s always at least 2% hesitancy, and that comes out in a first take.

I have a great situation.  As some of you might know, I’ve done a Vlog from time to time.  I’ve got lights, I’ve got a decent camera, I have editing equipment, and I have a great place to shoot it with a lot of privacy.  At the bar!  I go off hours, nobody bothers me, and I have the whole place to myself.  And with this audition, why not shoot it IN a bar?

I cruise downtown around 1:30 AM, and perfectly, my fellow bartender is just finishing up cleaning the bar for the night.  I set up, we chat a bit.  I ask, what do you think some bad advice would be to pick up a girl at a bar?  He says, how about, you spill a drink on a girl, just to strike up a conversation?  I say, perfect.  I’ll use that.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not, but I steal ALL my ideas from you.  I casually ask people their opinion about things at the bar.  What do you think about this?  They give me an opinion, that may coincide with my opinion, and then there’s a bar story.  You find CONSENSUS, you find the truth.  My fellow bartender gives me an idea off the cuff, I find it funny, why not.

I tweak the idea a bit.  I buy a drink, walk over to her, fake trip, spill the drink all over her.  Apologize, let me buy you a drink, get it, come back, then say, why don’t you come over to my house, I’ve got a washer and dryer, we can clean up those clothes?

Corny, I know, but I’d say it’s some bad advice on how to pick up a girl.

I do one take, boom, done, edit it a bit, put on some titles, then email it over to my agent.  With set up time, filming, tear down time, I’m done in 45 minutes.

I find out Monday, I’ll keep you posted.

Yesterday, I check my email, I have ANOTHER audition.  This time sounds like a good one.  Two day shoot in Omaha.  Nice big paycheck.

Unfortunately, they’re looking for a Seth Rogan type.

That’s not me.

But who cares?  It’s just another opportunity to act.  And I always stay positive with these things.  You never know, you’re not right for this part, the director sees your audition, says, you know, he’s not right for this part, but I’m directing another commercial that he’d be perfect for.

Again, my agent wants me to film it by myself.  No problem.  It’s for a lottery commercial.  Real simple, I go to the counter, ask for a Mega Million Lottery ticket, exit, come back, read off the numbers, realize I’ve won, then react.

I get downtown for my shift at the bar, it’s busy, but I have some time to chat with customers a bit.

I ask a few, if you were to win the lottery, what would your very first reaction be?  Would you scream?  Would you freak out?  Would you be scared, nervous, puke?

I get the general consensus, think things through, then decide to do something a little bit different from what the script says.  The script says, “He screams, he yells.”  Ok, that’s fine, but how would I actually react?  If I can capture that, that would be the best, and funniest reaction.  Instead of, oh, I won, I’m going to scream.

I forgot to mention that on my way to work, I stopped and bought a lottery ticket to use as a prop.  I have NEVER actually bought a lottery ticket before, and was pretty clueless when I bought one.

Uh…  I’d like to get a lottery ticket.

OK.  Which one would you like?

The one where you get the numbers, and then win millions of dollars.

He says, ok.

After my shift around 2AM, I set up for the audition.  Everything on stage this time.  Have a great black curtain as a backdrop.  I get the lights going, set up the tripod, change my shirt, and ACT.

Nailed it in a take.

I come into camera, ask for the lottery ticket.  Can I have a Mega Million, please?  I exit, come back couple seconds later, check my numbers.  It’s a slow dawning.  Oh wow look at that.  I got the first number right.  Huh.  The second, too.  At the last one, I just stare into the camera, speechless, dumbstruck, frozen.  All the wheels in my head turning.  What does this mean?  I just WON?

I don’t say anything, I SLOWLY walk off camera, then, from off camera, I SCREAM, then cut.

I emailed it to my agent, he sent me an email back this morning, seemed to like it.  I got a Ha from him.

Wouldn’t this be one of the greatest stories of all time?  What if on Saturday, I casually check my lottery numbers, AND WON?  That’s how life works, doesn’t it?  I bet a lot of people would be pissed as hell with me.  Yeah, I bought the lottery ticket as a prop.  I’ve never even played the lottery before.

But now I’ve won $37,000,000 dollars.

You know, I’d never want to win the lottery.  That would totally suck.  I could NEVER bartend again.

Oh yeah I’m gonna give this guy a tip.  He won the lottery!!!

-Clint Curtis



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