Monthly Archives: November 2015

I Am Holding A Redbox DVD In My Hand

It’s 8:50pm, I’m driving to work, I’ve got a Redbox DVD in my hand. Not a Blue Ray, I’m not that fancy. It’s a DVD.

I like Redbox. I know, I know, get it on the Internet, it’s 2015. Well…I just like going to pick them up. They’re cheap as hell. Like a buck 75. In comparison to four-five bucks on the internets. And what if the Internet is out, you’re screwed!  I’ve got Mediacom, and it goes down all the time. Get a DVD, no worries. Ok, its got a scratch, don’t play, that’s annoying. But you get the new releases, no worries.

But ALL THAT has nothing to do with my story.

I’m driving to work with a Redbox DVD in my hand. It’s Southpaw. Decent movie. Not what you call great. I got it on Monday, oops, it’s Thursday. Yeah. Shoots the whole, save money on a movie, don’t it?  And my wife, I put it on the counter to take it back, and she shoves it in my drawer so I can’t see it!  My drawer IS A MESS who the hell knows what’s in there? I try to clean it out every three months, but at the present moment,

It’s a disast.

So you put something in there, three months later, huh. That’s where that went. I’ve told my wife, please don’t put my Redbox in there!  But she doesn’t listen. Who does, ya know?

Who. Really. Does.

Anyway, all that, ALL THAT, has little to do with my story.

Picture this guy driving his car, he’s got his left hand on the steering wheel, and his right hand is held up, in his face, holding a Redbox DVD. Why is he holding a Redbox DVD?


Ya put the dang Redbox on your passenger seat, what happens?  Well, if you’re me, you drive RIGHT BY that Redbox machine outside the grocery store, you get to work, look down, yep, there’s the damn Redbox DVD. AND THERE’S ANOTHER BUCK 75 DOWN THE DRAIN. ‘Cause I’m downtown, I’m at work. I can’t get to the Redbox machine until 3AM,

So I’m screwed.

So THIS TIME I’m gonna HOLD THE DAMN DVD IN MY FACE. I can’t possibly forget it, can I? There’s no way. NO WAY. I focus. I do a mantra. Return the DVD. Return the DVD. Return the DVD. I’m only a mile away. I’m almost there. I’m…

Wait a second. Did I turn in that contract at work?  Ok, I know I turned in the check, I know I turned in the listing contract, I was really thorough about that. But did I turn in the purchase agreement?  Dang it, this is going to bug me all night. I’ve been juggling real estate, bar manager stuff, bartending, family time, my brain is going here and here and here. Oh, here’s the exit, I’ll just take, what am I holding in my…


-Clint Curtis

I Walk Into The Sex Shop

I’m driving to Cedar Rapids, Iowa for a dental appointment. If you’re not from Iowa, it’s a little over two hours from Des Moines. My Uncle George is there, I love multi-tasking. Seeing him, get mah teeth cleaned. 

I’m about half-way there. I’m on a new kick, and it’s terrible. About once a week, I’m getting one of those healthy cups of French Vanilla coffee from Casey’s. Disgustingly good. I’m drinking it, I look down, damn it!  I just spilled on my new work shirt!  I freak out. I search the car frantically. There’s gotta be a bar towel, a paper towel, something to wipe it off. I search, nope. Nothing. And I don’t have any water to wash it. I think fast. I spit on my finger, grab my jacket, rub it in my shirt, wipe it with the inside of my jacket. Brilliant idea, right? No, not really. I finish, nope. Still there. I have to take action. All-right. Next gas station, rest area, I’m going in. 

About a mile later, I see a sign advertising a restaurant on it. Phew. I’ll run in there. I take the exit. Gosh darn it. 8 miles to the right!!!  There is NO WAY. I’m already late as it is. I look to my left, there is something. A business I have passed by a thousand times to and from Cedar Rapids. 


If you want to know something about me, I’m a bit of a prude. I’ve been in a sex shop once, years ago. If I go in, WHAT WILL THEY THINK OF ME?!?!  They will judge. Oh who’s this guy?  Can you imagine the kinds of people that go in there?  Sex addicts, perverts. Greasy old guys with old clothes, and nicotine-stained teeth. 

I pull in the driveway. There’s around six vehicles. Couple trucks. Ok, what’s the game plan?  Do I wear sunglasses, go incognito?  Or would that be too much? I’m dressed nice from doing real estate earlier, I’m going to hold off on the glasses. Play it casual. 

I walk in. Huh. 

First thing I notice is it’s bright. Organized shelves. Outfits here. DVD section here. Magazines on the far wall. Sex toys hanging in front of me. Weirdly, Bruce Springsteen’s Born In The USA is cranking on the stereo. I look around more. There’s women!  Couples casually looking at the offered wares. They look like upstanding people too!  The place is UPBEAT. I’m floored here. This place is the opposite of seedy. I might as well be in a store at the mall. 

I go up to the counter, there’s a guy there, he seems normal. I say, could I use your bathroom, please?  He says, sure, here’s the key. He hands me the key. It’s on what seems to be a coat hanger. Must’ve been a last minute decision. We probably shouldn’t just have the key. Let’s put a hanger on it. 

I walk to the bathroom, open it up, look in…  It’s immaculate!  What in the holy hell, this place is blowing my mind. I go to the sink, turn on the water, grab a towel, get it wet, wipe the stain vigorously. After a minute, I give it a rest. I may have got it. I mean, now there’s a big water stain on my shirt. Whatever. It’ll probably dry off by the time I get to my dentist appointment. I take a leak while I’m there. I wash the hands, exit, go to the counter, return the key. I take a pause. Do I get something while I’m here, just to say I did?  I look around. What would I get?  Something catches my eye…

Next part of story cut. 

I hop in my car, get back on the highway. I arrive at the office at EXACTLY 4pm. Perfect timing for my appointment. 

I love it when that happens. 

-Clint Curtis