Monthly Archives: February 2017

Are You Really The Tooth Fairy?

I’m at the hotel bar, filling in as a server, it’s insane busy, wrestling tournament in town.  I’ve got about seven tables, I’m running around one table to the next, taking orders, delivering drinks, making sure everyone is happy.  A table of eight sit down, I take care of them.  They all order food, drinks, I pray for one check.  Nothing worse than being busy, then having a table of eight who all want separate checks.  But I somehow survive.

I get a long text from the wife.  Actually four in a row.  Sounds like things have hit the fan at the homestead.  I go in the server’s station, take a second to read what’s going on.  Earlier in the day, my 10 year-old son Liam lost a tooth.  It actually came out as I was driving back to school for a parent-teacher conference right before my evening shift.  He was pretty nonchalant about it.  Hey, I lost a tooth.  I’m like, DON’T GET ANY BLOOD IN MY CAR!!!!

Well, the text from the wife has to do with the tooth.  Apparently, right before bed, when my wife is tucking him in, Liam asks the big question.  Are you really the tooth fairy?  In a moment of weakness, the wife admits that yes, we are actually the ones that put the money under the pillow.  That DOES NOT go over well, according to the text.  Liam FREAKS OUT, and gets really upset about it.  No tooth fairy?  What about Santa?  Or the Easter Bunny?  Is that you too?  My wife, after a long day of work and family, doesn’t have the strength for THE TALK and says, no, no, of course Santa and the Easter Bunny exist.  The last text I receive from her states simply, please bring home a 10 dollar bill for “the tooth fairy.”  Yes.  She quoted the tooth fairy.

Unfortunately a reality at hotel serving/bartending is you don’t get much cash tips.  It’s mainly credit card tips, which is fine, whatever.  So i have to figure out a way to get a 10 dollar bill.  I’ve only got a fiver and a couple one’s so far.  But it’s still early.

I make my way to the big table.  Is there anything else I can get for you?  Everybody shakes their head no.  Ok, will this be separate checks, or on one?  I do a silent, quick prayer.  The person closest to me says, ok, I’m with him, and her.  Oh Jesus, here we go.  But then in a moment of pure God Send, Grandma at the end of the table raises her hand, and says, I’ll take it.  Then starts a commotion, oh, no, you don’t have to do it.  I silence them all, and say, great!  And make a quick exit.  I get the check, print it out, put it in a folder, and set it next to dear old Grandma.

I go help some of my other customers for about five minutes, then go back to the table to clear dishes, and pick up the check.  At the table, an attractive, middle-aged woman gets my attention.  She says, I’d like to order a round of drinks.  Is that ok?  I say, sure.  But you’ll have to start another tab if that’s ok.  She said, that’ll be fine.  I’ll pay for the round.  I take her order, couple glasses of Merlot, an Ultra, a Bud Light, go get it.

After about half hour, things seem to be winding down at the big table.  A few people have made their exit.  I go up to the woman that started the tab, and say, can I get you anything else?  She says, no.  I think we’re good.  Excellent.  I go over, run her tab, bring her the check.  She gets out her card, gives it to me, I go run it, bring it back to the table, set it down.  I say, thanks for being here tonight.  Really appreciate it.  Then she says, you know what?  Can I get one more drink?

Oh Lord have mercy.

I just start laughing.  It’s been such a long day.  I’ve worked two other jobs before this, and I’m done.  All I can do is laugh.  She says, would it be easier if I just paid you cash?  I say, you want another glass of wine?  She says, no, just top this one off.  Oh this woman.  I can’t just “top her off.”  I’m not bartending tonight, I can’t just go grab a bottle, and pour some more in.  I say, do you just want another glass of wine?  It’s like 12 dollars.  She throws down a ten and a five, says, I don’t want another glass of wine.  I just want you to top this off.  My husband will look at me funny if I get another glass.  Whatever.  I grab her 1/3 full glass of wine, and the money, and make my exit.

As I’m walking to the bar, I take a deep breath.  I gotta keep my cool.  This table has spent over $250, I got to give them good service to the bitter end.  I get to the bar, call the bartender over, say, hey, man.  Can you just top this off for me?  It’s the Merlot.  He looks at me, says, why?  I start to try to explain it, but I just give him a look that says, just please do it.  He obliges, and tops off the wine.  I go back to the table, set the glass down in front of the woman, set the money down in front of her, and say, don’t worry about it.  That’s on me.  She smiles, and says a sincere thanks.

I make my leave, go help my other customers.

After another 10 minutes, I make my way back to the big table, clear off some empty glasses, and pick up the check presenter.  I drop the glasses off at the bar to be cleaned, then make my way to the server’s station, and close the door.

I open the check presenter, and the lovely woman has given me an $8 tip on the credit card receipt, and…wait for it…

A 10 dollar bill.

Oh perfect!  Here’s my 10 dollar bill I was waiting for.  Just in the nick of time.  I start daydreaming.  I should go up to the woman, and tell her briefly the story.  How she’s going to be the tooth fairy tonight.  You know what?  I think I will.  She’ll get a kick out of it, I bet.  She looks like a mom.  I bet she can relate.

I go back to the big table, and approach the woman.  I lean down, and say, I have a funny story for you.  She says, great!  Let’s hear it.  I tell her briefly how my son lost a tooth today, and I needed 10 dollars for the “tooth fairy.”  So I really extra-appreciated the 10 dollar tip.

But she gets this strange look on her face, a reaction I wasn’t quite expecting, and then says something more magical than I could’ve ever imagined.

She says, you know I’m a dentist, right?

As if I somehow had known.



How To Get On A Stewardesses Good Side

I get a text message from one of my managers at the hotel.  Hey, Clint.  Are you available tonight to come in?  I’m needing a server.  I don’t have anything going on, I say, why not?  It’s usually a fun gig serving at the hotel.  People are cool and chill for the most part.  It’s a good atmosphere.

I get in at 4:45, get to it.  Three ladies sit down, I approach.  Hey ladies, how you doing tonight?  My name’s Clint, can I bring you some menus, or are you just having some cocktails?  They say, yes, bring us some menus.  Absolutely, coming right up.

I take their order, a round of drinks, and food.  They ask for suggestions, I give it to them.  One of them says, we’re with the airlines.  I say, stewardesses?  They say, yeah.  I say, cool, cool.  You get a discount.  Remind me again right before I run your tab so I don’t forget.  They say, ok.

It’s around 5:30, pretty chill so far, I’ve got four tables.  Everybody’s being cool, smooth sailing.  I get to talking with the stewardesses some more.  They’re not new to the game.  Seems like they’ve been doing it for awhile.  They’re in their late thirties, early forties.

So…  What’s a pet peeve of yours?  A couple pet peeves?  One of them says, just a couple?  We all laugh.  The one that’s been the most vocal dives in.

She says, first off.  I don’t like when people touch me.  I can’t STAND when people touch me.  Sometimes, they’ll even touch me with their trash.  They’ll tap me with it.  That’s the worst.  Don’t touch me, I don ’t want to be touched.  Sometimes, when they tap me, I’ll just tap them back.

OK, I say.  Never touch the stewardess.

Another thing I hate is in the morning, when the business men run in, they go to the bathroom, and take a BIG SHIT.  It’s like, you’ve had all morning to do it.  Why do you have to run into the plane, and do it in there?  There’s bathrooms in the airport to do that.  We have to be back there where the bathrooms are, and they STINK IT UP, right off the bat.  I can’t stand that.

And then, when we’re back there, and they’re waiting for the toilet, I hate when they lean into us, and say, what are you doing?  What are you reading?  It’s like, NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS.

Oh these ladies are classic.  Take notes people.

You know what else I hate?  It’s when someone says, are you having a bad day?  You don’t look like you’re having fun.  You should be smiling more.  I HATE WHEN THEY SAY I SHOULD SMILE MORE.

I can actually relate to this.  It drives me nuts when people have said that to me in the past.

I say, ok, ok.  Those are good pet peeves everybody should know.  What about things you like?  Things that you’ve found considerate?

One of them says, CHOCOLATE.  I LOVE when people bring me chocolate.  NOT the cheap kind.  The good kind.

I say, people have brought you chocolate?

She says, oh yeah.  Usually around the holidays.  You want to get yourself a free round of drinks?  Bring the stewardesses chocolate.

Huh.  I have to say, I’ve never thought about bringing the stewardesses chocolate before, but it’s a good idea.

She says, anything that shows you’re being considerate, and thoughtful.  Goes a long way.

I’m DEFINITELY going to do that next time I fly.  Get on the stewardesses good side.

Lord knows that’s a good place to be.