You Look Lonely

I’m doing banquet bartending for a wedding.  Bartending a wedding is pretty cool.  And can be lucrative.  There’s four bartenders tonight, so its thinned out a bit.  But everybody’s in a merry mood, and there’s hot chicks getting their drunk on, which is always entertaining.

There’s a lull around 10.  I clean up my bar area, get it organized, then stand there, and stare forward.  Nothing else to do, my busy work is done.  I am completely against being on my phone during work.  It just looks unprofessional when you see a bartender on Facebook.  Leave that for after work.  And actually, it’s a great excuse to NOT be on my phone.  Who doesn’t have an addiction to their damn phone?!?  It’s hard not to.  It’s a great way to feed that need for attention.  It’s like any drug that makes us feel good for awhile, getting a text, an email, a like.  It’s a disgusting rabbit hole I’m trying to curtail.

But now here I am writing, posting on a blog, to get attention.

I’m standing there, staring forward.  It’s kind of peaceful, I clear my mind.  To be honest, yes, I’m an actor, and I really do hate TV.  I know it’s cliche to say, oh, I don’t watch TV, but truth be told, I do hate it.  I keep busy with staring at my bedroom wall, writing, walking, and working.  I suppose I need to come up with some kind of hobby, but every time I do, I get obsessed with it.  Chess.  I took lessons for six months, it stressed me out to no end.  I can’t just have fun with something.  I have to do it to death.  Just pound it into the ground.  I smoked cigars for a year.  But, yeah, could I smoke one a week?  Nope.  I’ve got to smoke three a day.  Yeah, that’s an expensive habit.  Finally quit that habit, because your clothes reek, and your wallet is empty.

I’m standing there, staring off, breathing, meditating, a wedding goer comes up, says, you look lonely.  I say, do I?  I’m happy here with all my imaginary friends.  She smiles, and orders a drink.  Basic vodka tonic.  No problem.  She leaves, I go back to staring forward.  After five minutes, another partygoer comes up, says, you look bored.  I say, not really.  And is it so wrong to be bored?  She says, no.  I don’t have TIME to be bored, I’m so busy.

Now here’s the rub and what I’m getting to.  I notice that people have this HUGE fear of being bored.  Why not sit in a room, and stare at the wall, and be bored?  Relax your mind.  Meditate.  Because THAT’s when things come to you.  You fill the void with Facebook, and TV, and other shit just to feel not-alone.  But let me tell you.  You are basically doing the same thing as I am when I’m staring at a wall.  But what I’m doing is better.  Most of the things we fill our time with is garbage, and a detriment to our well being.  Because people are so afraid to be “bored”, they fill the void with negative things.  Drugs, alcohol abuse, etcetera.  All because they are afraid to be bored.  Give yourself a break, people!  You’re going to wake up in the future and realize that no matter what, you’re alone, and you’ve always been alone.  You’ll be standing there at the assisted-living center, looking out the window staring off in the distance wondering where all your buddies have gone.  How about right now shut it down?  Be ok with being bored, and so called lonely.  See boredom as a good thing.  See loneliness as a chance to get closer to figuring out why you’re here.  Or at least, why you’re not here.

I finish making the drink, she leaves, and I go back to standing there, waiting for my next customer, and also, kind of just to fuck with people, and see how many of them say, oh, you look bored.  Want some company?

-CC

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