Monthly Archives: March 2018

A Rant About Bar Scenes In Movies

You know what pisses me off?  Enter RANT.  Yes, people that leave their visors down in cars after they leave.  Sure, that’s annoying.  But that’s not what I’m here to talk about.

Bar scenes in movies.  Could we get some realism, please?  I’m watching a movie last night called Bad Match.  I would give it a B-.  Decent flick, solid acting, but predictable plot points and twist at end.  But whatever.  This is what pissed me off about the movie.

The two characters are at the bar, the bartender comes up to take their order, and the guy’s schtick is, he can figure out what his “Tinder-like” date drinks.  Wait, gimme a sec…it’s a VODKA CRANBERRY.  Oh my God, I can’t BELIEVE you just guessed it.

On a side note before I go on, I’ve noticed a lot of the ladies ordering Moscow Mules.  Is that becoming a girl drink?  I’m impressed.  It seems to have started out being a guy’s drink, but now I’ve noticed a lot of women are ordering it.  I approve.

So the guy orders his “Scotch” (cool drink for a millennial he says with a dash of bitters), and a Vodka Cran for the lady.  Moments later the bartender brings the drinks, and the Scotch is whatever, but the bartender plops down a “funky” martini glass, with a red liquid in it.  Hell-LOOOO.  No dude, just stop.  That’s wrong on so many levels.

Even my Mom God bless her knows what a Vodka Cranberry looks like.  It should always go in a rocks glass, or maybe a tall glass, with rocks, ounce and a half of vodka, and cranberry juice.  It’s NEVER up (without ice), in a damn martini glass.  What the bartender brought her basically looked like a Cosmo.

When you’ve bartended as long as I have, and have experience on a movie set, these details matter.  Without attention to detail, there is CHAOS.  Hey, director, why don’t you take a bit more time with the research, and find out what a Vodka Cranberry looks like, so you won’t PISS ME OFF.  Yes, I know, I know, the drink in the martini glass looks so much more appealing.  Well, then, have her order a martini, and there you go.

You know what else irks me?  When the character asks for a cocktail, and in two seconds, there appears the cocktail in front of them.  That’s bullshit.  Time it out, directors.  Guy orders drink, bartender leaves frame.  Dialogue, dialogue, dialogue (lasting approximately 12-15 seconds) THEN drink gets set down.  Make time for that truth.  The whole scene will play better, and more realistic.  And another thing that is important, which I grant the director of Bad Match played up on, is every character has a signature drink.  Writers need to be in tune with that.  If you’re writing a scene in a bar, take two seconds to describe what the character is drinking.  You can tell A LOT about a character by what they drink.  Are they a domestic guy, don’t give a shit?  OR more of a craft beer guy?  An IPA, perhaps?  What is the lady drinking?  Talk to a bartender, do the research.  What are the ladies drinking nowadays that would be an interesting choice?

I don’t know…how ‘bout a Moscow Mule?





I’ve always wondered at the phenomenon behind why women keep their cell phones in their back pocket.  What if you forget about it, and sit down on a hard surface?  Crack.  There goes the cell phone, gotta hit up the mall, at one of those kiosks.

That’s a weird word.  Kiosk.  Sounds Native American.

That reminds me.  Never make eye-contact with people at a mall kiosk.  They’ll sucker you in with a beckoning smile, and there goes spending $500 on some skin cream.

I digest.

I’m mean, digress.

So yeah, ladies with their cell phones in their back pockets.  What’s up with that?  Ah…but then I had an enlightening conversation with the opposite sex, and she informed me that women’s pants usually have no front pocket.  What?  No front pockets, you say?  Why is that?

And then the answer becomes clear.  If you don’t have front pockets, where do you put your cell phone?  Well…in your back pocket.  Duh.

These designers of women’s clotherie need to get together, and figure out how to make these front pockets happen for the ladies.  Maybe they just haven’t figured it out yet.  I know those guys have those front pockets, why can’t we!  It’s SEXUAL DISCRIMINATION.  I mean, they said we’ve come a long way, baby.  We get to vote.  We get to work jobs.  But where’s OUR front pockets?!?

I mean, it can’t be that difficult, can it?  Make the pants, then put the pockets on it.  Think of all the cell phone screens those front pockets will save.  They won’t have to make all those trips




You Got Busch Light?

Last night, I got my ass handed to me.  The Deer Classic Convention was in town, and they like to drink.  Here’s how most of my conversations went like last night:

Hey how you doing?  Good…give me two Busch Lights, two Coors Lights, a Double Crown and Diet, and a Captain Coke.  Sorry, sir.  We don’t have Busch Light.  What?  No, Busch Light?  No, sorry, sir.  No Busch Light.  Hm…Well, then, give me four Coors Lights.  A double Crown and Diet…  (Looks over shoulder)…Hey Joe, you wanna drink?  Yeah, get me a Busch Light.  They don’t have Busch Light.  No Busch Light?  Yeah, they got Coors…You got Bud Light?  Yes, sir.  We have Bud Light.  Bud?  Yes, we have Bud.  (Looks back over shoulder)  They got Bud Light, Coors Light, and Bud.  They got Miller Light?  (Turns back)  You got Miller Light?  Yes, we have Miller Light.  (Looks back to Joe).  Yeah, they got Miller Light.  Aw Hell, just give me a Crown and Coke.  Crown and Coke?  You wanna double?  Yeah, make it a double.  In a tall glass.  (Turns back).  Ok.  He wants a Crown and Coke.  Ok, so four Coors Lights, a Double Crown and Diet.  A Captain and Coke, and a Double Crown and Coke Tall.  Correct?  Hang on a second.  (Turns back over his shoulder).  Hey Jack.  You want something?  Yeah, get me a Busch Light.  They don’t GOT Busch Light.  They got….

I imagine my hell being behind the bar, with this never-ending conversation that goes on and on for all eternity with no cigarette breaks in between.

And it’s not Coors Light…  it’s Kerrs Light.




Tips For The Voice-Over Actor

I was having a discussion with a friend of mine about the art of listening.  It’s something every actor needs to master.  Without listening, we are bad actors.  Just memorizing lines, and saying them how we’d say them to ourself in the mirror.  When you listen, things becomes active, and in the moment.  Your fellow actor says a line, and how they say the line will affect how you say your line.

Let’s take things a bit further now.  Every actor needs to find their voice, and that’s extremely complicated.  Once you put a microphone or a camera in front of a person’s face, their performance will inevitably change.  Why does it?  Insecurity plays a part.  We feel as humans that we’re just not good enough.  Therefore, when a camera gets in our face, we feel the need to “put some ketchup on it.”

We are always listening, and we don’t necessarily know that we’re doing it.  When someone is talking, we give off the appearance of listening.  Start listening, see what happens.  Don’t formulate the next thing you’re going to say halfway thru their monologue.  That’s not listening.  Here’s the question…  Are you listening when you’re talking?  Yes, we are, when done well.  You don’t know when the person is going to talk next, so when you’re talking, and want to have a good conversation, you should be listening as well, because you never know when they might interject with something, to add to the conversation.

After a year of auditioning for voice-over gigs, I’ve learned a couple things.  My recent discovery is you should be attuned to the possibility of someone saying something back to you while doing the audition.  Ok, that doesn’t make sense, Clint.  Well if you want to give the impression that your audition is conversational, you should be “on your toes” if something perhaps magical happens, and your computer starts talking to you, so you can realistically respond to that.  I know that’s probably not going to happen, but you should be in that mode of thinking.

Another discovery I’ve made is maybe we’re not trying to find our voice, but we’re trying to find our breath.  In a voice-over audition, you should not take a huge breath before you start speaking, and rush thru the lines.  That’s not realistic.  After doing it a couple times, you need to find the places where you breathe.  I think this is a breakthrough idea.  Perhaps it’s not the words we say that is important.  But it’s where we find the moments to NATURALLY breathe that is most important.

Besides smokers, I think people are inherently afraid to take a deep breath, as if God mights say, hey, man.  You’re taking up too much air!  Don’t be greedy.  To find your voice, a big part of it will be to find your breath.

Then you’ll start booking some voice-over gigs, like I hope to do.  God knows I have auditioned over 100 times, and nothing yet.