Monthly Archives: December 2018

How To Make Your Dance Card Full

I’m chatting with a buddy over a cigar today, he’s a single guy, and we get to talking about the dating scene. He alluded to me that he’s temporarily “given up” due to the burden of rejection. 

I think it’s really simple, and can be compared to sales. At one point in my life, I was selling onsite training to companies over the phone. I was given “leads,” but it was basically a telemarketing job. From that job, I learned an important lesson. If you make 30 calls in a day, you’re going to get two hot leads. But if you make 60 calls, you might get five leads. And so on. The more calls, the more chances at a sale. 

And it’s the same thing with the dating life. The more you attempt, the better chance you have to succeed. I know the rejection is tough, but a lot of it is timing. You may have had a chance, but they just got into a relationship.  If you just keep on “making those calls,” and NOT take the rejection personally, soon you will be flush with love, and as my friend Daniel W says, your dance card will be full.




Matt McCuum Gig Log

Gig Log #6:  D’Jais, New Jersey

I got a really crazy call from my manager.  I thought he was joking at first.  Amy Adams wants to meet you.  What?  The actor?  Yeah, she’s in New Jersey shooting, and was wondering if you’d be free in the afternoon before your gig at D’Jais.  Well…I was planning on finding a laundromat to clean my clothes, but I suppose that can wait an extra day.  I still have one clean pair of underwear!!!

Clint says, she wants to meet at Grounds For Sculpture, at the big Marilyn.  Say noon.  I say, I’ll be there!

Sure enough, it’s 11:57, I find the damn towering Marilyn, the classic pose with her dress billowing, and there she is.  Amy Adams.  This IS a weird life I live.  I mean…have you seen Arrival?  Nocturnal Animals?  She has got to be one of the top actors working today.  I’ve always been impressed with her work, and also, it’s not tough looking at her.


She puts out her hand.  I shake it.

Amy Adams!  What an HONOR!!!

She smiles a million-dollar movie star smile.

I say, how big is that thing you think?

She looks up, then back at me, says,

That’s what she said.

Oh this is gonna be a fun day.

We start walking around the grounds.  I did a little bit of internet research on the place.  There’s over 800 sculptures on the grounds!  What a magnificent place.  And such a cool person to share it with.

I say, I’ve decided I want on my gravestone to say, Matt McCuum.  Born 1972-blank, then underneath it, it says,

“That’s What She Said.”

How AWESOME would it be if someone were to be randomly walking by, and see that.  It’d be sure to put a smile on their face, don’t you think, Amy?

She says, I’d smile.

I’m gonna do it.

We walk on.  I say, mind if I smoke?

She says, with a twinkle, yes!  I do.  It’s bad for you, Matt!

I light up.  I know, I know.  All good things in life are bad for you.

She says, you got one for me?


I get out a Marlboro Light 72 for her, and my lighter that says, CHILL OUT.

We stop, she puts the cigarette between her lips, I light it.

It’s an unusually beautiful day for December.  No wind, it doesn’t blow out the flame when I light it.

It lights, she takes a drag, exhales.

She says, my character I’m working on right now smokes.  So…fuck it.

Hey, you’re just getting into character, that’s all.

She smiles.  Right.

I say, what’s your character name?

She says, Ashley.

Hm.  You could pass as an Ashley.

She says, I hope so.

What’s your character like, if you don’t mind me asking.  

She says, I don’t.  I’m an art dealer, with a focus on sculpture.  There’s a murder.  Blah, blah, blah.  

I say, so perfect place to be!  A sculpture park.

Yeah, I thought I’d multi-task.

I say, wait a minute…  Was this all a ruse to bring me here and MURDER ME?!?

She says, well…you already have your epitaph picked out.



(For more info about Matt, go to, or visit Matt’s FB page)


A Book Doesn’t Run Out Of Batteries

I’m serving tables at the hotel restaurant, I approach a table, there’s a woman, sitting at the table, reading a book.

A real book.  With a cover, and pages, and a lick of the finger to turn the page.

I say, I love when I see someone reading a real book.

She sets it down for a moment, gestures to her laptop, and says,

It doesn’t run out of batteries!




Matt McCuum Gig Log

Hey folks, I promised I’d keep posting Matt’s Gig Log, so here it is.  I spoke with him today, and he was a little bit hungover.  It doesn’t take much for Matt, he’s kind of a lightweight.  I guess him and Rufus hit the town, drinking fruity mimosas until the wee hours.


Gig Log #5:  The Andy Warhol Museum, Pittsburgh

I arrived at the Andy Warhol Museum about three hours early.  I wanted enough time to go floor-by-floor, painting-by-painting.  Warhol by far is my favorite artist.  I don’t think he can be topped.  He didn’t just revolutionize art, he was himself a REVELATION.  Some people I think are not really people but true aliens.  He was one.  Michael Jackson was another.  I saw Michael in concert when I was a kid back in ’86.  That dude wasn’t human.

I’m on the third floor, looking at Warhol’s take on the last supper, and up walks an old friend of mine, Rufus Wainwright.  When I lived out in LA back in the day, he was best friends with my roommate, so he’d be over the house all the time.  Super hilarious dude, and of course, way talented.  I remember, before his first album came out, he played me a demo of five songs, and it was some of the best shit I’ve ever heard.  Actually, better I believe than the versions on the album.  They always ruin the intimacy of it when you get a song in the studio.  That’s why I record my music myself, here it is, like it or not.


Ohhh shit, it’s Matt McCuuuuuum.

(We give each other a hug).

Dude!  How’s life being a big rock star?!?

He says, Fabulous.

Hey, do you remember that time I dressed you for that gig?  You wore my leather jacket.

Yes, Matt.  I remember…  What are you doing here?  Don’t you live in Kansas, or somewhere like that?

Yeah…Iowa.  Same thing.


I’m playing later on here.

Oh, nice, Matt.

Can you stick around, see the show?

You’re doing like a rap thing, right?


Mmmm.  Not my cup of tea.

Oh you asshole.  Big Rufus now.

Sorry, Matt, I got a gig later.  At a little bit bigger venue.

I say, you always were a cocky bastard.

He says, how late’s your show go?  

Uh…it’s an early one.  10pm, something like that.

Well, why don’t you come over, see me.  I’ll put you on the Guest List.

Hmmm.  Will you play April Fools?

Yes, Matt.  For you I’ll play April Fools.

-Matt McCuum


Whistling At The Bartender

I’m behind the hotel bar, server just left, group of seven come in, sit down at a table.  When the server makes their exit, It’s time for me to bartend, and serve, which I don’t mind.  Another opportunity to make a little extra money.

I go up to the table, take their drink order.  That’s all they’re having.  Seems to be a family.  Two 20-something kids, a couple parents, a couple grandparents.

I get their drinks, some beers, a margarita, a Captain Coke, deliver them to their table.  They all say thank you, seem friendly.

It starts getting busy at the bar area, but I check in on the table from time-to-time, get them another round.

After a half-hour in, I’m at the register, placing an order, I hear this loud, piercing whistle.  That BETTER not be for me.  I turn my head to the table where the whistle originated from, and GRANDPA is waving me over.

Hold on, hold on.  Did you just WHISTLE AT ME?!?  You want your JAW BROKEN, Grandpa?  There is NOTHING RUDER than the whistle.  I go up to the table.


Grandpa says, we’ll have another round.

I just stare at him, without saying a word.  I want to SO BAD say something.  Did you just whistle at me to get my attention?  DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE A DOG COLLAR AROUND MY NECK, ASSHOLE?!?

I get them another round, deliver it to them.  Very quietly.

I understand, you’re thirsty, you want more drinks, you want to get the bartender’s attention.  I really get it.  But THE WHISTLE will piss off the bartender.  Unless that’s what you’re going for.

How about this?  You see the bartender is busy, not able to be attentive to your needs.  Get up from your chair, walk to the bartender, say, when you get the chance, we’ll take another round.  That’s not THAT difficult, is it?  I mean, we live in society, people!  Where we should RESPECT OTHERS, whether they’re your maid, your server, or your bartender.  There’s a right way, and a wrong way to get what you want.  And I’m here to tell you:  there will NEVER BE A TIME when THE WHISTLE is an appropriate way to get ANYONE’S attention.