Category Archives: Bartender Advice

Your Phone Is Your God

I’m at the Denver airport, coming back from LA being a TV star.  I’m sitting on a hard chair, waiting for my flight back to the DMI, sipping at a cup of coffee.  I watch the people walking by.  Waiting for flights.  Sitting looking bored.  I notice a trend.  Everybody’s on their phone.  I think of the phrase “Your Phone Is Your God.”  For most, that is the truth.  Such a common addiction for us all, and I’m included.  I try to stay off of it as much as possible, but it’s difficult being a real estate agent.  I’ve tried a number of tricks, maybe you can use to curb your addiction as well.  Turn off your phone when working.  I find I can focus better when it’s off while bartending.  Nobody wants to see their bartender on their phone, ignoring them, when all they want is a drink after a long day working for the Man.  Also, and here’s a good one:  NEVER get on your phone when you’re around people.  Difficult, I know.  Go to the bathroom, and check it there.  Whatever you have to do so no one will see you on it.  I guarantee if you implement this rule, you’ll curb your addiction.  And also, give focus to the moment.  I can’t stand it when I’m talking to someone and they’re constantly checking their phone.  It’s rude in my opinion, and tells me that whoever is texting them is more important than me.  And I need ALL THE ATTENTION, obviously.

I’m in the airport, and I’m noticing another trend.  I notice, the moment a person is not talking with a person, or engaged in an activity, they pull out their phone from their tight pocket.  Girls keep their phone in their back pocket, I’ve noticed.

I’m constantly learning, and crafting a better me.  How do I do it?  Well, I try to be in the moment as much as possible.  NOTHING is more important than where you’re at, and the things around you.  When you’re on your phone checking Instagram, Facebook, reading the news, it SUCKS YOU into a distant reality.  One that sends your mind away from the present moment.  I believe, because we’re constantly on our phone, we’ve lost a focus in our interactions with other humans.  When was the last time you gave complete attention to your friend, instead of posting some selfie on Social Media?  We, as a whole, have forgotten how to listen to each other.  And here’s my point.  People are feeling IGNORED for the most part because of this lack of focus, and lack of respect to the person they’re talking with.  Instead of listening and acting/reacting to the person in front of us, we are addicted to the thought that someone more important might be texting or emailing us.  Turn off your phone, and be in that moment.  You will find that if you listen to people, they will be more willing to listen and give you attention.  And let me tell you, listening is an art form, and I don’t exaggerate.  Here’s how it works:  Someone is talking to you, and in the middle of what they’re saying, you start formulating what you’re going to say, believing that it’s more important than what they’re saying.  And if you’re in the market to learn something, YOU CAN’T LEARN WHEN YOU’RE TALKING.  This is a technique actors should use.  When someone is telling you a story, listen, and when they’ve said the very last thing from their “monologue,” react to that final thought.  It’s challenging, but when people feel like you’re actually listening to what they’re saying, and honestly reacting to what they’re saying, instead of formulating some story to one-up them, I guarantee you will get further in this life.  Even on a subconscious level, they will feel you’re listening, and naturally like you more.  If you don’t think that in this world gathering friends instead of enemies is essential to your success, you’re wrong.  It’s the key ingredient, and when you learn how to do it, you will master the art of communication.  And if you have great communication skills, it’s pretty much all you need to succeed.  I know this is complicated to implement, but you can practice with everyone you encounter, whether it be your friend, or the convenience store clerk.

Instead of your phone as your God, turn it off, immerse yourself in the moment, and make the NOW be your God.

And if you want the final trick to solve your phone addiction, delete ALL Social Media.  Impossible?  Nope.  I did it recently and my life is, without a doubt, easier, gives me abundantly more peace of mind, and more time to imagine the kind of life I want to lead.



Big phone

The Best Way To Find Out If She’s Available Or Not

I came up with a genius idea tonight while bartending, and I’d like to share it with my dear readers. This will be helpful for the guys, and possibly the ladies, so listen up.

Here’s the scenario: you meet a girl at a bar, you’re interested in her, but there’s one major hurdle you have to get over, in order to feel comfy to make your first move. Does she have a boyfriend? If you’re an upstanding guy, you find out she has a boyfriend, you leave her alone. But how the HELL do you get that crucial info?!?! If you got any game whatsoever, you don’t just blurt out, uh, sorry, der…do you have a boyfriend? It’s the kind of question you can barely get away with in elementary school, let alone, when you’re an adult. So, how about this?

Let’s say you strike up a conversation cold with a young lady you’re interested in. During your convo, let’s say you start talking about favorite restaurants, you say, well…has your boyfriend taken you there yet?

Boom. Mastery of the game right there.

Now there are two things she’s going to say, and you’re going to get your answer, by being cool, casual, with a sprinkle of I don’t give a fuck. She’s going to say, 1. No he hasn’t taken me there yet. Or 2. Um…I don’t have a boyfriend. If #2 happens, it’s as easy as, good. I’d love to take you.

And ladies, tell me I’m wrong, please, but this approach also works COMPLETELY in your favor. Let’s say you’re looking at the guy, you’re not really interested, it’s an easy, non-confrontational lie. “No. He hasn’t taken me.” Of course, if you’re with someone, you can say kindly, no that asshole hasn’t taken me. The guy laughs, and you both know the score.

And best of all, if you’re not with someone, and you’re interested in the possibility of seeing the guy again, you simply say, I don’t have a boyfriend. Then, it opens the door slightly for the man to perhaps ask you out.

So next time you meet a lady at a bar, or the library, and you want to know the facts, say something casually like, what does your boyfriend think about that? Or, I don’t know, I bet your boyfriend loves it when you say that. You’ll find out quick if she’s available or not, and still keep your cool rep.


When A Girl Gives A Guy Their Number

Cute girl comes up to the bar, she’s cool, I know her. I’ve actually written a couple stories about this girl in the past. What can I say?  She gives me good material.

I say, what’s up?  You know, how you do. She says, I got a funny story for you, Clint. I say, let’s hear it. She says, I got a text from a guy today. I’ll read it to you.

She gets out her phone.

She reads.

Hi this is Drew. I met you at the bar on Saturday night. Would love to have a drink with you sometime.

Ok, I say. What’s the problem?  She says, I don’t remember who it was!!!  I was so drunk, I had gone to a wedding on Saturday.

Ok. It’s a wedding. You’re single, you get wasted at weddings. Understandable.

I say, did you text him back?

She says, I did. I told him I didn’t remember giving him my number.

I say, you know what?  You need to go out with him, have a drink. Who cares?  It’s a drink. And there must be something good about him. You DID give him your number.

Let me break it down to you. I’ll keep it simple. If you give someone your number, and they text you back, asking if you’d like to go out for a drink, you MUST go. No exceptions.

I’m talking about both guys and girls. Guy gives a girl his number, she contacts him, wanting to go out for a drink, you MAN UP, no matter what, and meet her out for a drink.

Ok, I know what you’re thinking. Clint, Clint, the guy PRESSURED ME into giving him my number.

You know what?

If you’re in that situation, you have two options. You tell him, straight up, I don’t want to give you my number. If you don’t have the balls to do that, give him a bad number. Again, do not give him your number, under any circumstances, if you’re not interested in seeing him or her again. That’s being a dick, and a coward. Have a little respect for the human race, stop right there at the moment of giving them your number, and DON’T LEAD THEM ON.

After I talk to her, a guy sidles up next to her, orders a drink. I start making it for him, he reaches into his front pocket, for his wallet. But I see it’s not a wallet. It’s his credit card, his license, etcetera etcetera, in a Ziplock bag. He is using a Ziplock bag as a wallet.

Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES, should you EVER give out your number, to someone who uses a Ziplock for a wallet.

-Clint Curtis


Listening To People’s Opinions

I have an opinion about things, and I write stories about them. In every story I write, there is an opinion in there somewhere, guaranteed. There are some people in this world that have opinions. Some have strong opinions about things that really don’t matter. I believe I fall into this group.

For a lot of my stories, if I just back up from them, do I really care? To be honest, not really. At the bar, I deal with BS on a daily basis. Do I get bothered by it? Not really. I don’t. At the end of the day, I just say to myself, there’s another one down. I’m getting off the subject of people having opinions.

Let’s make a turn here in the conversation, and talk about listening to people’s opinions. I say, nah. Listen to yourself. Should you really be listening to my opinions? Oh for heaven’s sakes NO. My opinions are laughable. And when I say that, my opinions are based on whether I think I can get a laugh from somebody. Or a rise out of somebody. Do I give a shit about some guys getting into a fight in the green room? Nah. Do I care that some dipshit band didn’t bring CD’s to their CD release party? Nah. Don’t really care. But does it make a story? Yes. And what are stories, but opinions about things in disguise?

If you’re not going to listen to me, who SHOULD YOU listen to. Let’s say, you should have one leg back really, really far. Listen, but know it’s all bullshit. People give their opinions to be heard. And it’s always just manipulation. There’s a reason for their opinions. You should ask yourself, what is this person’s hidden agenda? Talk show hosts. Do you think they really care if some guy fabricated a paragraph in their non-fiction book? Nah. But they must be OUTRAGED, don’t they? Yeah, they have to act outraged. Because they have an opinion that it’s WRONG. And the viewers should be outraged too. Because the talk show host gives her opinion so strongly. So it must be true, shouldn’t it?

You should just listen to these people with opinions for amusement. That’s what I hope you do for me. Yeah, Clint’s saying this, but he’s really just trying to get a rise from me. He doesn’t really CARE. He’s just saying these things to be funny, and make me laugh. And that’s the truth.

But people listen to these people with opinions, and it affects their life. Usually in a negative way. How disgusting that is really. I have one friend in particular, who is an awesome musician, but a couple years ago he got a bad review in a local rag by this little twirp, and he stopped writing music, and pretty much stopped playing with his band. That’s obscene. I mean, what the hell does this reviewer know? He’s probably just trying to get a rise. What’s more interesting? A glowing review or a negative review? A negative review, of course. And I know this to be a fact, because I receive this same feedback when I write a positive story over something that is negative. People for the most part want to hear drama. And writing a review about how some guy’s band is awesome is borrrrrring. As well as me telling some lame ass story about a night at the bar that was fun and everybody was cool.

Don’t listen to anyone’s opinion, people. Especially mine. Read a story, laugh if you feel like it, then

go eat a hamburger.

But, you know, you might shouldn’t eat hamburger that comes from….

-Clint Curtis


Can I Vape In Here?

Nice guy at the bar, looks of Latino descent, says to me, can I vape in here? I say, sure, no problem.

I’m on the fence with the whole vape thing. Not that you’re asking my opinion about it, but here it is.

I think it can be dangerous in a number of ways. A lot of times, people start vaping to “cut down on the cigarettes.” Here’s the problem: They’re still smoking cigarettes AND vaping. How many addictions can you count now? Yeah, for those bad at math, that’s two.

And, c’mon, I’ve heard people talk about how it’s better for you than cigarettes. It’s like how people think Diet Pop is better for you than the regular shit. IT’S ALL NAST. Who the hell knows what’s exactly in those chemicals in your electronic cigarette? I know there’s nicotine, for one. I’ve read where they also put in formaldehyde. Yes, formaldehyde. That’s the shit they inject you with WHEN YOU’RE DEAD. Sure. Let’s smoke that.

Thank God when I quit cigarettes over seven years ago, I didn’t have the vape option. E-cigarettes were just starting to come out. I remember seeing ads for it on Myspace. Yes, that long ago.

You know, I’ve realized, after getting control of my life, control of my brain, by eliminating addictions from my life, that addiction is addiction is addiction. The alcoholic says, oh, at least I’m not a heroin addict. Oh yes, but you are. It takes over YOUR BRAIN. That’s all you can think about. And this vaping thing. Do you really need it in your life? Not only is it bad, but there goes a bunch of money you’re throwing out the window.

The whole vaping thing. It’s just another addiction that will control your life.

-Clint Curtis


A BJ For A Rose

So if you can believe this shiz, the early show at the Mews got cancelled, AND, the late. What are the fricking odds?  They astound, and boggle the mind.

Three ladies glide into the bar, around 10pm, say, you open?  I say, sure, come on in. They saddle up, we start chit-chatting. One of em says, oh, who brought in the roses? Pointing to two roses behind the bar. I say, I did. I love roses. Got a problem with that?  She says, no, not at all. I mean, I expound, can’t a heterosexual man buy a couple roses and bring em into work?!?  One of em says, you know, a heterosexual man has never bought me flowers. Never?  Are you serious?  No, never.

Listen, guys, and listen to me good. Go out and buy your girl some damn flowers every once in a while, will ya?  You can buy a dozen red roses at WALMART for like 10 bucks. Lie to her, say, yeah I bought em at Flowerama, she won’t know the difference.

Here’s a good time to buy em:  you have a fight, a big brouhaha, you make up, you have the after-fight sex, then the next day, skip over to Hy-vee, or whatever your closest grocery store is in the world, buy a couple of long stem roses (I know red roses are cliche as hell, but screw it, they’re beautiful), bring em home, give em to her, and then, it will magically gloss things over for you, as if the fight had never happened.

And then you might get a blow-job out of the deal. WIN!!

From my heart to yours,

Clint Curtis. Bartender.

A Box For Your Ego

I’m at the Mews. Settin up. Ice, bathrooms, that crap. A band member comes in the side door carrying an ego box. I say to him, yeah, man!  I like your ego box. He says, what?  Your ego box, I say. I like it. He looks down, and mumbles something unintelligible. Wait, he thinks I’m making fun of him. That I’m being sarcastic. I am not.

What’s an ego box, you say?  It’s quite simply, a box for your ego. You build it, this box, you paint it, usually a dark color, blue, black, maybe blue black, you bring it in, you set it up on stage, you grab your mic or guitar, turn it up to 11, jump on the box, and rock out. It’s actually very useful. People can see you better, and you feel like a rock star. My motto, till the day I die…BE the rock star, before you ARE the rock star.

I think everyone should have an ego box. Bring it into class, gotta give a book report, put it in front of the class, jump on it, and run the show.

Got a meeting?  Suit up, bring in your box to the board room, jump on it, and give the PowerPoint presentation of your life.

From my heart to yours,

Clint Curtis. Bartender.

For Bartenders Only

This post is mainly for bartenders…so, normal people, stop reading. This is top-secret shit. We’ll be talking about you, so I need you to stop reading, and go read my other posts I’ve written, or go eat a cupcake. Enough said.

So here’s the tip, bartenders. Just the tip. Let’s say you have a customer, semi-regular, starts a tab, it gets crazy busy, you’ve got 72 credit cards behind the bar, just trying not to give the wrong card, to the wrong person (yep, that’s happened, no fun). Uh-oh, it’s 12:30am, semi-regular says, hey Joe, could you run my tab, with the universal hand sign for signing in the air. Here’s the prob: YOU SHOULD KNOW THEIR NAME BUT GUESS WHAT YOU DON’T. You know what I’m talking about. You can’t ask them, oh hey, what’s your name again? It’s beyond that point. Maybe you’ve known their name in the past, but right now, you don’t. You get it, my friend. So here’s what you gotta do:

Hey, man, what’s your last name again?  There you go. Who knows last names?  Sure Paul, Jack, Matt, Tom, but last names?  Nobody expects you to know that. So they tell you, sure, my last name is Leibowitz. Then you scan the cards, whittle them down, girl, girl, no, no, know this person, know that person, get down to a couple choices, then check out their cards, boom, there’s Lebowitz.  Adam. Then here’s the clincher, when you’re handing it back to them, you say, sorry about that, we have like 3 Adam’s tonight. Ohhh-Kay. He looks down and says,

That’s not my card.  My first name’s Zack.

From my heart to yours,

Clint Curtis. Bartender.

Hell On Heels

It’s Saturday, a band just started playing, I look up, and the drummer’s wearing a dress.

So, what, right?  Cool. A guy expressing some creativity. I like it. But I have a few problems with it, naturally.

#1:  The dress is butt ugly.
#2:  None of the other guy’s are wearing a costume.

I’m going to address the second problem first. In a play, you have to have EVERYONE wearing a costume. It’s about consistency. It breaks the third wall, when some of the characters are out of costume, wearing t-shirts and jeans.

So, bands, if 1 of you are going to wear a mask or a dress, YOU ALL GOT TO.

The guy came up to the bar, and I addressed the first infraction with him personally.

Listen, I say, I like the idea of wearing a dress on stage, but wearing the thrift shop, ugly-ass dress is PLAYED OUT. How bout you wear something sexy. Black dress, maybe a bra or slip underneath. Check out the traps on 4chan for ideas, or any poster of the New York Dolls.

Put on some make-up, maybe some high-heels.  This is 2013. Turn on the boys, turn on the girls.

Let’s sell some records, know what I’m saying?

From my heart to yours,

Clint Curtis. Bartender.

We Jerk Your Meat

Don’t tell me an idea, when you’re at the Mews, cause I’ll put it on my blaaaag. I need material.

I wish, when people get an idea, it’s like a lightning bolt, a gift, just…don’t talk about it, keep it to yourself, and then you’re filthy rich someday, and you have me to thank. Partially.

I was chatting with the soundguy and the door person, and this young man working the door, tells me, I have a great idea. I say, ok, tell me what you got, son. Well, I want to start a business called We Jerk Your Meat. You go hunting, kill some kind of animal, a deer whatever, you bring it into me, we’ll jerk it for you. Well…sounds like a brilliant idea, my man. You should do it. He says, yeah…I’ll need to find some backing.

It’s dead here at the Mews. Sunday. Shit, man, not one audience member. The opener didn’t even show!!!  Damn, going to be a long night.

The headliner does a soundcheck, and the keyboardist starts playing all these hits, like Jump by Van Halen. Oh my God, I’m thinking. This shit is brilliant. This guy is amazing, I’m telling you. It sounds like the real thing.

I approach him after his soundcheck. I tell him, ok, bud, this is what you gotta do. You gotta start a cover band, and play all that music. Come up with a cool, funny name. Play songs like the ones on the Miami Vice soundtrack. Listen to me, bro. I know what I’m talking about. I’ve been working here 10 years. Shit’s gold. You’ll make a ton of money. He says, yeah, yeah, sounds like a good idea. In one ear and out the other.

Nobody listens to anybody anymore. There’s no trust, that’s why. When was the last time you ACTUALLY listened to what someone had to say, and taken their advice. I know the answer. Like…never.

Just listen to somebody for once in your life. ME!!!  I tell you to do something, JUST DO IT. Open up the damn Jerk Store. Start the awesome cool cover band. THIS IS WHAT YOU NEED TO DO.

And then another guy walks out the door with a pair of drumsticks, and two dollars and fifty cents, shoved in the right pocket of his tight, black jeans.

From my heart to yours,

Clint Curtis. Bartender.