Category Archives: Uncategorized

A Book Doesn’t Run Out Of Batteries

I’m serving tables at the hotel restaurant, I approach a table, there’s a woman, sitting at the table, reading a book.

A real book.  With a cover, and pages, and a lick of the finger to turn the page.

I say, I love when I see someone reading a real book.

She sets it down for a moment, gestures to her laptop, and says,

It doesn’t run out of batteries!

-Clint

 

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Matt McCuum Gig Log

Hey folks, I promised I’d keep posting Matt’s Gig Log, so here it is.  I spoke with him today, and he was a little bit hungover.  It doesn’t take much for Matt, he’s kind of a lightweight.  I guess him and Rufus hit the town, drinking fruity mimosas until the wee hours.

-Clint

Gig Log #5:  The Andy Warhol Museum, Pittsburgh

I arrived at the Andy Warhol Museum about three hours early.  I wanted enough time to go floor-by-floor, painting-by-painting.  Warhol by far is my favorite artist.  I don’t think he can be topped.  He didn’t just revolutionize art, he was himself a REVELATION.  Some people I think are not really people but true aliens.  He was one.  Michael Jackson was another.  I saw Michael in concert when I was a kid back in ’86.  That dude wasn’t human.

I’m on the third floor, looking at Warhol’s take on the last supper, and up walks an old friend of mine, Rufus Wainwright.  When I lived out in LA back in the day, he was best friends with my roommate, so he’d be over the house all the time.  Super hilarious dude, and of course, way talented.  I remember, before his first album came out, he played me a demo of five songs, and it was some of the best shit I’ve ever heard.  Actually, better I believe than the versions on the album.  They always ruin the intimacy of it when you get a song in the studio.  That’s why I record my music myself, here it is, like it or not.

Rufus!  

Ohhh shit, it’s Matt McCuuuuuum.

(We give each other a hug).

Dude!  How’s life being a big rock star?!?

He says, Fabulous.

Hey, do you remember that time I dressed you for that gig?  You wore my leather jacket.

Yes, Matt.  I remember…  What are you doing here?  Don’t you live in Kansas, or somewhere like that?

Yeah…Iowa.  Same thing.

Yeaaaah.

I’m playing later on here.

Oh, nice, Matt.

Can you stick around, see the show?

You’re doing like a rap thing, right?

Yeah.

Mmmm.  Not my cup of tea.

Oh you asshole.  Big Rufus now.

Sorry, Matt, I got a gig later.  At a little bit bigger venue.

I say, you always were a cocky bastard.

He says, how late’s your show go?  

Uh…it’s an early one.  10pm, something like that.

Well, why don’t you come over, see me.  I’ll put you on the Guest List.

Hmmm.  Will you play April Fools?

Yes, Matt.  For you I’ll play April Fools.

-Matt McCuum

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Whistling At The Bartender

I’m behind the hotel bar, server just left, group of seven come in, sit down at a table.  When the server makes their exit, It’s time for me to bartend, and serve, which I don’t mind.  Another opportunity to make a little extra money.

I go up to the table, take their drink order.  That’s all they’re having.  Seems to be a family.  Two 20-something kids, a couple parents, a couple grandparents.

I get their drinks, some beers, a margarita, a Captain Coke, deliver them to their table.  They all say thank you, seem friendly.

It starts getting busy at the bar area, but I check in on the table from time-to-time, get them another round.

After a half-hour in, I’m at the register, placing an order, I hear this loud, piercing whistle.  That BETTER not be for me.  I turn my head to the table where the whistle originated from, and GRANDPA is waving me over.

Hold on, hold on.  Did you just WHISTLE AT ME?!?  You want your JAW BROKEN, Grandpa?  There is NOTHING RUDER than the whistle.  I go up to the table.

Yes?

Grandpa says, we’ll have another round.

I just stare at him, without saying a word.  I want to SO BAD say something.  Did you just whistle at me to get my attention?  DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE A DOG COLLAR AROUND MY NECK, ASSHOLE?!?

I get them another round, deliver it to them.  Very quietly.

I understand, you’re thirsty, you want more drinks, you want to get the bartender’s attention.  I really get it.  But THE WHISTLE will piss off the bartender.  Unless that’s what you’re going for.

How about this?  You see the bartender is busy, not able to be attentive to your needs.  Get up from your chair, walk to the bartender, say, when you get the chance, we’ll take another round.  That’s not THAT difficult, is it?  I mean, we live in society, people!  Where we should RESPECT OTHERS, whether they’re your maid, your server, or your bartender.  There’s a right way, and a wrong way to get what you want.  And I’m here to tell you:  there will NEVER BE A TIME when THE WHISTLE is an appropriate way to get ANYONE’S attention.

-Clint 

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Matt McCuum Gig Log

Hey folks.  Matt McCuum is on the James Dead Is Not Dean Tour, and has been writing a Gig Log on his FB page.  Since I’m his manager/booking agent, I thought I’d start posting them here, get him some free publicity.  For the first two, please visit his FB page.  I’ll start with #3.

-Clint

Gig Log #3:  Chicago

Last night I played at the Empty Can.  Setlist was Who Shot J.R.?, P.O.D., Wish I Could Use The N-Word, But I Can’t, Anarchy In The US of A, Girl From Buffalo, and a new one called Tranny Chaser.  I was so excited, the crowd was receptive, but best of all, I had them dancing, with eyes closed.  There’s one thing to hear people singing along to your music, but it’s another thing to make them dance.  There were even some guys dancing!

After my set, I went backstage, and there was a big bowl of Jelly Belly’s.  What kind of marvelous place is this?!  I grabbed a big handful, stuck it in my pocket, then grabbed another handful, and shoved them in my mouth.  If you want to know the basics about me, as my friend JB once said, you like Apple Products, Big Tits, and The Smiths.  I would add to that list Jelly Belly’s, most definitely.  ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY’RE FREE!

The drummer for the headliner was in the corner, eating nachos with melted cheese.  I approach.  

Hey, my dude.  How goes it?

Good.

Where’d you get the nachos, brother?

Down the street.  Convenience store.

Hm.  I’ve always felt iffy about eating food from convenience stores.  Those hot dogs that twirl around for days.  I’ve had food poisoning twice.

Hm.

(He bites into a nacho, non-plussed)

Well, for dessert, THEY GOT JELLY BELLY’S OVER THERE.  Big bowl!

He says, yeah.  I saw that.  I don’t have much of a sweet tooth.

Man, I sure do.

I left him alone after that.  He didn’t really seem to act like he wanted to chat with the lowly opener.  Also, I don’t know if I can talk with someone who doesn’t like candy.

I stuck around the club for awhile.  Had a tonic water with a lime in a tall glass.

There was a cute girl at the bar next to me.  She leans in, says,

I liked your set.

I say, hey, thanks!  What’s your name?

Julia.

Hi, Julia.  I’m Matt.  You play music?

She says, nah.  I paint.

You paint?  Wow!  So cool.  Do you have any stuff on your phone you could show me?

She says, yeah.

She shows me.  She’s really good.  How exciting.

I say, I’ve got a day off tomorrow before I go to Milwaukee.  I was thinking about going to check out the Chicago Art Museum.  Wanna join?  Thinking around 11.

She checks her phone calendar, says, um…  How about noon, 12:30?

I say, yeah, sure, I’m flexible.  Will be cool to walk around there with an artist.  Maybe you can tell me some things.

She smiles, says,

Maybe.

-Matt McCuum

11/27/18

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Who Shot J.R.? Video Premiere

Matt McCuum, new on the hip-hop scene, blazes untouched musical ground with Who Shot J.R.?  A new song/music video that is described as “Hick-Hop,” a fresh new genre thrusting its arms out of the Midwest.  See his premiere video on Youtube, and here on From The Bar.  Single will be released on Spotify/iTunes December 10th by requie* records.

Also, 2019 Matt will publish Suicide of Whores, a cross between Penthouse Forum, David Sedaris, and Tucker Max.  Details will follow in the coming months.

For more info, go to https://requierecords.com, and https://mccuum.com.

 

Boujee Money

It’s Friday night, I’m bartending, group of six come in, three guys, three girls.  We get to talking, they’re in from Chicago for a wedding.

After serving the first round, six beers, one guy nods his head to me, says, I’ll take the round.  Everybody else is busy talking.  I grab his card, run it, give him the receipt to sign.

One of his buddies exclaim, DUDE.  What are you doing?!?  We’re not DOING that, you paying for the drinks.  We don’t want your BOUJEE money.

He smiles, says, dude.  Don’t worry about it.

Later on, the group leaves, except for Mr. Boujee.  We get to chatting, I say, I can kind of imagine what the word boujee infers, but where does it come from?

He says, ya know, bourgeois.  Bourgeois money.

And that’s the thing right there for all you haters.  If you just give in to the notion, you really can learn something from Millennials.

-Clint

 

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I’m Not Judging You

I’m bartending the hotel bar, woman comes up, says, I’d like a glass of your house Chardonnay.  And can you put some olives in it?  

I imperceptibly make a face.

But she notices.

Says, I know, I know.  it’s weird, but I like olives!

I say, hey, hey.  (Shrugging my shoulders).  I’m not judging you.  I’d never judge.  Who am I to judge?

She smiles, says, thank you.

I get her glass of Chardonnay, put some olives in it.

Just FYI:  If anyone ever says to you, I’m not judging you, most of the time,

There’s some serious judging going on.

-Clint

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