Matt McCuum Gig Log

Hey folks.  Matt McCuum is on the James Dead Is Not Dean Tour, and has been writing a Gig Log on his FB page.  Since I’m his manager/booking agent, I thought I’d start posting them here, get him some free publicity.  For the first two, please visit his FB page.  I’ll start with #3.

-Clint

Gig Log #3:  Chicago

Last night I played at the Empty Can.  Setlist was Who Shot J.R.?, P.O.D., Wish I Could Use The N-Word, But I Can’t, Anarchy In The US of A, Girl From Buffalo, and a new one called Tranny Chaser.  I was so excited, the crowd was receptive, but best of all, I had them dancing, with eyes closed.  There’s one thing to hear people singing along to your music, but it’s another thing to make them dance.  There were even some guys dancing!

After my set, I went backstage, and there was a big bowl of Jelly Belly’s.  What kind of marvelous place is this?!  I grabbed a big handful, stuck it in my pocket, then grabbed another handful, and shoved them in my mouth.  If you want to know the basics about me, as my friend JB once said, you like Apple Products, Big Tits, and The Smiths.  I would add to that list Jelly Belly’s, most definitely.  ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY’RE FREE!

The drummer for the headliner was in the corner, eating nachos with melted cheese.  I approach.  

Hey, my dude.  How goes it?

Good.

Where’d you get the nachos, brother?

Down the street.  Convenience store.

Hm.  I’ve always felt iffy about eating food from convenience stores.  Those hot dogs that twirl around for days.  I’ve had food poisoning twice.

Hm.

(He bites into a nacho, non-plussed)

Well, for dessert, THEY GOT JELLY BELLY’S OVER THERE.  Big bowl!

He says, yeah.  I saw that.  I don’t have much of a sweet tooth.

Man, I sure do.

I left him alone after that.  He didn’t really seem to act like he wanted to chat with the lowly opener.  Also, I don’t know if I can talk with someone who doesn’t like candy.

I stuck around the club for awhile.  Had a tonic water with a lime in a tall glass.

There was a cute girl at the bar next to me.  She leans in, says,

I liked your set.

I say, hey, thanks!  What’s your name?

Julia.

Hi, Julia.  I’m Matt.  You play music?

She says, nah.  I paint.

You paint?  Wow!  So cool.  Do you have any stuff on your phone you could show me?

She says, yeah.

She shows me.  She’s really good.  How exciting.

I say, I’ve got a day off tomorrow before I go to Milwaukee.  I was thinking about going to check out the Chicago Art Museum.  Wanna join?  Thinking around 11.

She checks her phone calendar, says, um…  How about noon, 12:30?

I say, yeah, sure, I’m flexible.  Will be cool to walk around there with an artist.  Maybe you can tell me some things.

She smiles, says,

Maybe.

-Matt McCuum

11/27/18

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What is a Cuba Libre?

Guy comes up to the bar, sits down, I approach, say, what’ll it be?  He says, I’ll have a Cuba Libre.  I say, ok.  A rum and Coke with a lime, coming right up.

I’m on the fence with trying to impress your bartenders with the names of drinks.  Occasionally, a patron will come up and exclaim, can you make me a Tooty-Fruity Brutty?!  Ok, I just made that up, but I know, deep down inside, right before the person asks the bartender for that obscure drink they got in Ontario, they KNOW the bartender is not going to know what drink they’re talking about.  So let’s work thru this problem, so we can find another solution to NOT pissing off your bartender.

This is how I’d like the exchange to go:  Hi bartender, I had a drink in a bar in Sasquatch that I really liked.  It was called the Thunderdome.  It had Kahlua, Frangelico, cream, and something else in it.  Have you ever heard of a drink like this, or something similar?

Man, if a patron dropped pure knowledge on me like that, I’d be impressed, instead of the alternative, I’d like a Thunderdome!

Watch, how your bartender rolls their eyes at that.

I’ll be perfectly honest, dropping names of obscure drinks onto your bartender can be lame, and somewhat pretentious.  That’s where the whole Cuba Libre thing comes in.  Know that the bartender knows that drink.  If they don’t, they’re not a very seasoned bartender.  And just say, could I get a rum and Coke with a lime?  And then, mark my words, the bartender will say, a Cuba Libre?  And you’ll say, yeah.  Exactly.  And know, if the exchange goes down like this, the bartender is going to respect you a great deal more, and might even give you a little extra love when making your drink.  Why?  Because point blank no bartender likes to feel like they’re being tested.  Does anyone?  

This happens very rare to me, but I kind of like it when someone says, have you been making any cocktails recently that you’re excited about?  If the bartender says yes, I GUARANTEE you’re going to get a well thought out drink.  You’re basically asking what the bartender has been drinking lately.  And when they say, yeah, I’ve been working on perfecting a Mojito, give it a try!  They might even buy it for you, since, perhaps, the bartender hasn’t perfected it quite yet, and you’re giving them practice.

-CC

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Who Shot J.R.? Video Premiere

Matt McCuum, new on the hip-hop scene, blazes untouched musical ground with Who Shot J.R.?  A new song/music video that is described as “Hick-Hop,” a fresh new genre thrusting its arms out of the Midwest.  See his premiere video on Youtube, and here on From The Bar.  Single will be released on Spotify/iTunes December 10th by requie* records.

Also, 2019 Matt will publish Suicide of Whores, a cross between Penthouse Forum, David Sedaris, and Tucker Max.  Details will follow in the coming months.

For more info, go to https://requierecords.com, and https://mccuum.com.

 

Boujee Money

It’s Friday night, I’m bartending, group of six come in, three guys, three girls.  We get to talking, they’re in from Chicago for a wedding.

After serving the first round, six beers, one guy nods his head to me, says, I’ll take the round.  Everybody else is busy talking.  I grab his card, run it, give him the receipt to sign.

One of his buddies exclaim, DUDE.  What are you doing?!?  We’re not DOING that, you paying for the drinks.  We don’t want your BOUJEE money.

He smiles, says, dude.  Don’t worry about it.

Later on, the group leaves, except for Mr. Boujee.  We get to chatting, I say, I can kind of imagine what the word boujee infers, but where does it come from?

He says, ya know, bourgeois.  Bourgeois money.

And that’s the thing right there for all you haters.  If you just give in to the notion, you really can learn something from Millennials.

-Clint

 

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I’m Not Judging You

I’m bartending the hotel bar, woman comes up, says, I’d like a glass of your house Chardonnay.  And can you put some olives in it?  

I imperceptibly make a face.

But she notices.

Says, I know, I know.  it’s weird, but I like olives!

I say, hey, hey.  (Shrugging my shoulders).  I’m not judging you.  I’d never judge.  Who am I to judge?

She smiles, says, thank you.

I get her glass of Chardonnay, put some olives in it.

Just FYI:  If anyone ever says to you, I’m not judging you, most of the time,

There’s some serious judging going on.

-Clint

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What You Get For Stiffing Your Server

I’m serving at the hotel bar, two ladies sit down in my section. They are of foreign descent. Here’s the problem with foreigners: many times it’s not in their custom to tip, which I am aware of. That’s fine, we all come from different cultures, with different customs. Hey, where these two ladies are from, the servers probably make an amazing hourly rate. They don’t necessarily need a tip. Unfortunately, here in the US of A, servers make a meager wage. That’s all fine of course, as long as their customers are tipping.

I take the ladies order. One wants to start out with hot tea. Unfortunately, the only place we can get hot water is way over in the gift shop. But that’s fine. I’ll hustle over there to get a guest a hot cup of tea. That’s just what I do. The other lady orders a hot chocolate. She says, do you have unsweetened hot chocolate? I’d like that. Huh. Unsweetened hot chocolate? Where the hell you get that? I say, I’m sorry, we don’t have unsweetened hot chocolate, but in the server station we have a Keurig and hot chocolate pods. That’s the best I can do. She thinks for a moment, then says, that’s fine.

I get their drinks, take their order, everything runs smoothly, food gets on the table in a timely manner, and I get their check when they request it.

They leave after some time, I clean off their table, grab their tab, yep, you guessed it…

A big zero in the tip line.

More specifically, they didn’t even put anything in the tip or total line. Just signed the check. Which is almost more annoying.

The next day, I’m serving again, I turn around, and one of the ladies from the night before, approaches.

Oh hi! she says, excitedly. Remember me?

I say, as a matter of fact I do! You were at Table 22 last night, wanted the unsweetened hot chocolate, and at the end of the night, STIFFED ME!!!

Ok, of course I didn’t say that. I just said, yes. I remember you.

With a trace of so what.

She says, I’m looking to get an apple. Do you know where I could find one?

I say, an APPLE? Yeah I got your apple RIGHT HERE (as I grab my crotch).

Ok. No I didn’t say that. Or grab my crotch.

Instead, I say, yeah, you can find apples in the gift shop. Over there.

But I didn’t say it as enthusiastically as I would have said it if she had tipped me. So BLAM lady.

IN YOUR FACE!!!

-Clint

 

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The Origins Of Putting A Lime In A Corona

I’m at the bar with my fellow bartender, guy comes up, and orders a Corona.  Do you want a lime with that?  Of course!  

This commonplace exchange got me thinking…  Who was the first person to put a lime in a Corona, and why?

After doing some internet research, I’m even more lost.  There are a number of theories.  The best ones:  to keep flies and bugs out, to mask the skunky flavor caused from having a clear bottle that reflects light changing the taste of the beer, and of course, some cynical bartender saying, watch me put a lime in this beer, and it go viral.

Whatever the reason, I’m sure it began as something, and then turned in to something completely different.  You just have to decide whether you like the taste of lime in your cerveza.  If you do, go for it, hombre!  

It kind of reminds me of the ritual of people packing their cigarettes before they open it.  I’m sure you’ve seen some addict doing it while walking out of a Kum And Go.  I’m pretty sure when the ritual began years ago, they were doing it to a pack of filterless cigarettes.  So yeah, actually a good idea to pack the cigarettes with your palm before you open it.  If you’ve ever smoked a Lucky or a Camel Straight, you’ll understand why it is helpful.  If you don’t pack the tobacco as much as possible, you’ll be constantly picking the tobacco off of your lips.  And that’s no fun.  But since the advent of cigarettes with a FILTER, do you really need to pack the cigarettes?  Not really.  But the ritual continues.

Another article I read about the origins of the lime in the Corona talked about how legally in the state of New York, a bartender could be FINED for touching a lime wedge with their bare hands/fingers.  Now, when was the last time you saw a bartender wearing gloves, or used a tong when grabbing a lime, and putting it in the neck of a Corona?  Like, never.  Can you imagine how time-consuming and laborious that would be?  And I don’t think anyone wants to see a bartender wearing gloves.  That would just be weird.  But again, legally in the state of New York, a bartender can’t touch a lime.  Your options are to grab the tongs and put the lime in with that, or place the lime wedge on a napkin, and present it to your guest with the beer, which is a little over the top.  I think I can speak for most when I say if you see a bartender grab the tongs, you’re gonna want to roll your eyes.  We’re not surgeons.

But of course, perhaps, psychologists.  But I don’t think they wear gloves…or use tongs.

Probably my favorite explanation for using a lime in a Corona was that some gringo thought it’d be funny to get a bunch of people to put a lime in a Corona.  But, I must admit, it looks good in that clear glass, with that white and blue label.  Then I’m sure the execs at Corona caught wind of it, and thought, this is marketing GOLD.

There’s one thing I will guarantee.  If you go down to Mexico, and you see a Mexican drinking a Corona, there’s not going to be a lime in their Corona.  It seems to be a very American thing to do, and if you ask for that lime in the Corona, everyone will know you’re a tourista.

-Clint

 

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