Matt McCuum Gig Log

Hey folks, I promised I’d keep posting Matt’s Gig Log, so here it is.  I spoke with him today, and he was a little bit hungover.  It doesn’t take much for Matt, he’s kind of a lightweight.  I guess him and Rufus hit the town, drinking fruity mimosas until the wee hours.

-Clint

Gig Log #5:  The Andy Warhol Museum, Pittsburgh

I arrived at the Andy Warhol Museum about three hours early.  I wanted enough time to go floor-by-floor, painting-by-painting.  Warhol by far is my favorite artist.  I don’t think he can be topped.  He didn’t just revolutionize art, he was himself a REVELATION.  Some people I think are not really people but true aliens.  He was one.  Michael Jackson was another.  I saw Michael in concert when I was a kid back in ’86.  That dude wasn’t human.

I’m on the third floor, looking at Warhol’s take on the last supper, and up walks an old friend of mine, Rufus Wainwright.  When I lived out in LA back in the day, he was best friends with my roommate, so he’d be over the house all the time.  Super hilarious dude, and of course, way talented.  I remember, before his first album came out, he played me a demo of five songs, and it was some of the best shit I’ve ever heard.  Actually, better I believe than the versions on the album.  They always ruin the intimacy of it when you get a song in the studio.  That’s why I record my music myself, here it is, like it or not.

Rufus!  

Ohhh shit, it’s Matt McCuuuuuum.

(We give each other a hug).

Dude!  How’s life being a big rock star?!?

He says, Fabulous.

Hey, do you remember that time I dressed you for that gig?  You wore my leather jacket.

Yes, Matt.  I remember…  What are you doing here?  Don’t you live in Kansas, or somewhere like that?

Yeah…Iowa.  Same thing.

Yeaaaah.

I’m playing later on here.

Oh, nice, Matt.

Can you stick around, see the show?

You’re doing like a rap thing, right?

Yeah.

Mmmm.  Not my cup of tea.

Oh you asshole.  Big Rufus now.

Sorry, Matt, I got a gig later.  At a little bit bigger venue.

I say, you always were a cocky bastard.

He says, how late’s your show go?  

Uh…it’s an early one.  10pm, something like that.

Well, why don’t you come over, see me.  I’ll put you on the Guest List.

Hmmm.  Will you play April Fools?

Yes, Matt.  For you I’ll play April Fools.

-Matt McCuum

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Whistling At The Bartender

I’m behind the hotel bar, server just left, group of seven come in, sit down at a table.  When the server makes their exit, It’s time for me to bartend, and serve, which I don’t mind.  Another opportunity to make a little extra money.

I go up to the table, take their drink order.  That’s all they’re having.  Seems to be a family.  Two 20-something kids, a couple parents, a couple grandparents.

I get their drinks, some beers, a margarita, a Captain Coke, deliver them to their table.  They all say thank you, seem friendly.

It starts getting busy at the bar area, but I check in on the table from time-to-time, get them another round.

After a half-hour in, I’m at the register, placing an order, I hear this loud, piercing whistle.  That BETTER not be for me.  I turn my head to the table where the whistle originated from, and GRANDPA is waving me over.

Hold on, hold on.  Did you just WHISTLE AT ME?!?  You want your JAW BROKEN, Grandpa?  There is NOTHING RUDER than the whistle.  I go up to the table.

Yes?

Grandpa says, we’ll have another round.

I just stare at him, without saying a word.  I want to SO BAD say something.  Did you just whistle at me to get my attention?  DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE A DOG COLLAR AROUND MY NECK, ASSHOLE?!?

I get them another round, deliver it to them.  Very quietly.

I understand, you’re thirsty, you want more drinks, you want to get the bartender’s attention.  I really get it.  But THE WHISTLE will piss off the bartender.  Unless that’s what you’re going for.

How about this?  You see the bartender is busy, not able to be attentive to your needs.  Get up from your chair, walk to the bartender, say, when you get the chance, we’ll take another round.  That’s not THAT difficult, is it?  I mean, we live in society, people!  Where we should RESPECT OTHERS, whether they’re your maid, your server, or your bartender.  There’s a right way, and a wrong way to get what you want.  And I’m here to tell you:  there will NEVER BE A TIME when THE WHISTLE is an appropriate way to get ANYONE’S attention.

-Clint 

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Matt McCuum Gig Log

Hey folks.  Here’s another story from Matt, on the road, on tour.  I checked in with him this morning by phone.  He doesn’t like texting, so I have to call the dang guy every time.  He’ll be in Milwaukee the next couple days, then on his way to Pittsburgh, to play at The Andy Warhol Museum, which he’s super-pumped for.  Enjoy!

-Clint

Gig Log #4:  The Cactus Lounge, Milwaukee

Had a really good experience at The Cactus Lounge.  Venue wasn’t huge, but I liked the intimacy of it.  For a Wednesday night, it was a decent crowd.  I’d say 55-60 people.  Set went well.  Stand-out was Tranny Chaser, and a new untitled song I’ve been working on.  Might as well try it out on the crowd.  

The song is kinda about the difference between what we say, and how we feel inside.  I NEVER like acting, meaning, I just like to be myself 24/7.  I’m a weird, strange guy, but honest, and for the most part, enjoy other people’s company, as long as I have some time during the day for myself.  That’s the best part of touring.  You have your day getting to the gig.  You put some tunes on the radio.  Awesome time to just watch the street signs whizz by, and think about life, and what you want to accomplish.  

After the show, I went up to the bar for a cranberry juice, and a girl from New Mexico comes up to me, and asks to buy me a drink.  I put the cranberry juice down, and say, sure!  As long as I can buy you one.  She says, I’m in the mood for a Raspberry something.  I say, ok.  The bartender comes my way, and she says, I’ve been messing with this recipe I read about, let me make her a Raspberri Lemon Drop Martini.  I say, sounds delicious!  Why don’t you make that two.

I get to talking to this foxy chick, she’s in town for a conference, she’s a teacher.  I say, I bet you could teach me a thing or two (as I elbow her).  She giggles, and I’m on my way to winning this rodeo girl’s heart.

We end up in a diner at 3AM called the Greasy Fork.  Really cool hipster 24hr breakfast spot.  I order a Belgian Waffle with Strawberries.  She orders a coffee, and some toast.

I say, what are you up to tomorrow?

She says, looking at her watch, uh…in about 4 hours, I have a seminar.  

I say, that’ll be fun!

She rolls her eyes.

Probably not.

She says, where are you staying?

I say, the booker was kind enough to get me a good deal on a room at the Motel 6.

She says, why don’t you stay at my place?

I’m like, I could…  but I have to warn you.  I snore.  Or so I’ve been told.

She says, that’s ok.  I’ve got some earplugs.

I wake up this morning at around 10.  New Mexico is gone, but there’s a note by the lamp by the side of the bed.

“Matt.  Had fun last night.  Why don’t you stick around?  I’ll be done by 3.”

-Matt McCuum

 

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How To Make A Raspberry Lemon Drop Martini

Lemon Drop Martinis are becoming increasingly more and more popular.  It’s a decent, girly-manly drink.  It’s sweet, but it can be strong.  I’ve somewhat perfected my recipe, and it goes like this:

2 1/2 oz of Absolut Citron Vodka

Oz simple syrup (sugar water)

1 1/2 oz of lemonade

Rim martini glass with sugar (usually “wiping” rim with lemon wedge works to get it wet so sugar will stick)

Lemon wedge with sugar on it

Last night, I take a half-hour break from the bar, I come back, and my manager informed me that she attempted (LOL) to make a Raspberry Lemon Drop Martini, off the cuff.  I asked her how she made it, and it was all wrong.  I told her, this is how you make it:

2 oz Absolut Raspberri Vodka

1/2 oz of Chambord (basically a raspberry schnapps)

Oz of simple syrup 

1 1/2 oz of lemonade

(Then follow above instructions).

I took the drink to the guy that ordered it, for a taste test.  He took a sip, then pointed at mine.

-Clint

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Matt McCuum Gig Log

Hey folks.  Matt McCuum is on the James Dead Is Not Dean Tour, and has been writing a Gig Log on his FB page.  Since I’m his manager/booking agent, I thought I’d start posting them here, get him some free publicity.  For the first two, please visit his FB page.  I’ll start with #3.

-Clint

Gig Log #3:  Chicago

Last night I played at the Empty Can.  Setlist was Who Shot J.R.?, P.O.D., Wish I Could Use The N-Word, But I Can’t, Anarchy In The US of A, Girl From Buffalo, and a new one called Tranny Chaser.  I was so excited, the crowd was receptive, but best of all, I had them dancing, with eyes closed.  There’s one thing to hear people singing along to your music, but it’s another thing to make them dance.  There were even some guys dancing!

After my set, I went backstage, and there was a big bowl of Jelly Belly’s.  What kind of marvelous place is this?!  I grabbed a big handful, stuck it in my pocket, then grabbed another handful, and shoved them in my mouth.  If you want to know the basics about me, as my friend JB once said, you like Apple Products, Big Tits, and The Smiths.  I would add to that list Jelly Belly’s, most definitely.  ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY’RE FREE!

The drummer for the headliner was in the corner, eating nachos with melted cheese.  I approach.  

Hey, my dude.  How goes it?

Good.

Where’d you get the nachos, brother?

Down the street.  Convenience store.

Hm.  I’ve always felt iffy about eating food from convenience stores.  Those hot dogs that twirl around for days.  I’ve had food poisoning twice.

Hm.

(He bites into a nacho, non-plussed)

Well, for dessert, THEY GOT JELLY BELLY’S OVER THERE.  Big bowl!

He says, yeah.  I saw that.  I don’t have much of a sweet tooth.

Man, I sure do.

I left him alone after that.  He didn’t really seem to act like he wanted to chat with the lowly opener.  Also, I don’t know if I can talk with someone who doesn’t like candy.

I stuck around the club for awhile.  Had a tonic water with a lime in a tall glass.

There was a cute girl at the bar next to me.  She leans in, says,

I liked your set.

I say, hey, thanks!  What’s your name?

Julia.

Hi, Julia.  I’m Matt.  You play music?

She says, nah.  I paint.

You paint?  Wow!  So cool.  Do you have any stuff on your phone you could show me?

She says, yeah.

She shows me.  She’s really good.  How exciting.

I say, I’ve got a day off tomorrow before I go to Milwaukee.  I was thinking about going to check out the Chicago Art Museum.  Wanna join?  Thinking around 11.

She checks her phone calendar, says, um…  How about noon, 12:30?

I say, yeah, sure, I’m flexible.  Will be cool to walk around there with an artist.  Maybe you can tell me some things.

She smiles, says,

Maybe.

-Matt McCuum

11/27/18

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What is a Cuba Libre?

Guy comes up to the bar, sits down, I approach, say, what’ll it be?  He says, I’ll have a Cuba Libre.  I say, ok.  A rum and Coke with a lime, coming right up.

I’m on the fence with trying to impress your bartenders with the names of drinks.  Occasionally, a patron will come up and exclaim, can you make me a Tooty-Fruity Brutty?!  Ok, I just made that up, but I know, deep down inside, right before the person asks the bartender for that obscure drink they got in Ontario, they KNOW the bartender is not going to know what drink they’re talking about.  So let’s work thru this problem, so we can find another solution to NOT pissing off your bartender.

This is how I’d like the exchange to go:  Hi bartender, I had a drink in a bar in Sasquatch that I really liked.  It was called the Thunderdome.  It had Kahlua, Frangelico, cream, and something else in it.  Have you ever heard of a drink like this, or something similar?

Man, if a patron dropped pure knowledge on me like that, I’d be impressed, instead of the alternative, I’d like a Thunderdome!

Watch, how your bartender rolls their eyes at that.

I’ll be perfectly honest, dropping names of obscure drinks onto your bartender can be lame, and somewhat pretentious.  That’s where the whole Cuba Libre thing comes in.  Know that the bartender knows that drink.  If they don’t, they’re not a very seasoned bartender.  And just say, could I get a rum and Coke with a lime?  And then, mark my words, the bartender will say, a Cuba Libre?  And you’ll say, yeah.  Exactly.  And know, if the exchange goes down like this, the bartender is going to respect you a great deal more, and might even give you a little extra love when making your drink.  Why?  Because point blank no bartender likes to feel like they’re being tested.  Does anyone?  

This happens very rare to me, but I kind of like it when someone says, have you been making any cocktails recently that you’re excited about?  If the bartender says yes, I GUARANTEE you’re going to get a well thought out drink.  You’re basically asking what the bartender has been drinking lately.  And when they say, yeah, I’ve been working on perfecting a Mojito, give it a try!  They might even buy it for you, since, perhaps, the bartender hasn’t perfected it quite yet, and you’re giving them practice.

-CC

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Who Shot J.R.? Video Premiere

Matt McCuum, new on the hip-hop scene, blazes untouched musical ground with Who Shot J.R.?  A new song/music video that is described as “Hick-Hop,” a fresh new genre thrusting its arms out of the Midwest.  See his premiere video on Youtube, and here on From The Bar.  Single will be released on Spotify/iTunes December 10th by requie* records.

Also, 2019 Matt will publish Suicide of Whores, a cross between Penthouse Forum, David Sedaris, and Tucker Max.  Details will follow in the coming months.

For more info, go to https://requierecords.com, and https://mccuum.com.